a million sperms

Surat wants to fly- an experimental tshirt design

2012-02-06T23:48:00.000-08:00

Boasting of 15000 and more members, this Facebook group and community has been pursuing the need of making Surat- a flightworthy destination, and a air-connected city. Finally, this group managed its first success, and Spicejet started its first flight(s) to and from Surat. This t-shirt is a rough idea- dedicated to the surat group- SURAT WANTS TO FLY! Its at a prelim stage, and certainly improvising on this idea in the next few hours....

TWEETY MUST FLY: How engineers from IIT, space scientists from Nasa, Docs from Bombay and an advertising guy- all collaborated for one Bird's dream!

2011-12-25T06:27:00.000-08:00

That morning also, the donkey came near our gate. He waited patiently- till my wife came out, gave him khana- and then applied a concotion of medicines, haldi and all. Like an obedient cow- he would stand silently bearing that burning pain of tincture bezoine- haldi and antiseptics- on his badly bruised open flesh would- that his owner had left him with- and abandoned him. Just then- from nowhere...a man came with a plastic bag, and in it- was something fluttering. He asked- Doctorni saab hain? I was flummoxed- as there was no vet in and around a single mile radius....next second i assumed he was talking about my wife. As the story unfolded- it was an injured parot- with its wings badly cut...and his toe nails/claws completely unstable and in bad shape. We immediately took it in- it was our first' ever winged guest....besides Coco- one small rescued puppy, one huge alsation which we had picked up from Chembur bridge, and yes, our very own Prince, Misha, Cherry- and the new 5 puppy litter. The house was a total mess...imagine- just total 5 rooms- a small lawn- a heavily pregnant wife- and so many pets and animals running around.

That night, we kept Tweety- a name we gave to the parrot- along with coco, in the bedroom. To make things more comfortable and natural- we got a small twig that was looking like a proper pedestal- so tweety can rest n stand on it- just the way birds are acustomed to.

Coco-the one month old puppy and tweety- that nigt shared a room- and maybe in must have communicated thru their divine animal langugae....who knows...Tweety...meanwhile was still under severe trauma, n was re-actionaless, motionless, and almost lifeless- no feelings at all.....maybe it was too early to expect it to bounce back to life....

As a few days passed by, spreading a buffet of chillies, guavas, cherries..etc in front of tweety became ritual...and well, coco, the lil one would also start running around as soon as it was spread on the ground. Tweety starting re-acting. Feelings expressions n life started being re-ignited....it started teeting/whisteling..screaming....as and when coco would try coming near its cherries or guavas....those were the first signs of life..in tweety....as now...he had not only accepted coco as its friend, but also a foe- in jolly spirit...it was a friendship built on innocense and curiosity....where both of them were just trying to know each other...the parrot and the puppy....

The friendship got funnier day by day- as every morning, we used to take tweety to the terrace- and there-we would spread lot of cherries chillies and all the birdy delights. Now, it was an area where the winged population was pretty good-especially parrots..so slowly gradually- a lot of parrots started coming on the terrace. The whole idea was- socialisation with its own kind will revive tweety, make it feel happy, and lso give it more self confidence. As weeks rolled- tweety was a new- fresh and revived parrot- singing and hopping around...every morning whisteling and waking us up around 6.....Sometimes he would hop over even to cocos bed...and then both will tease each other...As we realised, tweety was only not scared of coco- but whenever misha or prince would walk in the room- it was always perified.....and would sit very firmly on my shoulder.

The back-to-life and whisteling schedule was tweety was far rom over. It was, after all a bird, and they belong to the sky, the blues and the wirld- not in 4 walls and under a cement roof.

Now the first big question was: Will tweety ever fly again? Conventional wisdom said- it wouldnt- since the wings were clipped from the base by some sick pet seller/dealer.
The vet said- not possible. I said- WHY NOT??

Studied hours to understand 'wing' dynamics, aero dynamics (basic) and tried to figure out some way. There has to be a way it can fly again- even if it means a 'prostheitc wing implant'. But how.

It was a rainy day when i entered the gates of IIT, Powai.That's one place- i knw- u can ask the craziest of questions, think the unthinkable- n yet, ppl wont send u to an asylum.

First stop was a gang on students-outside the aeronautics building. I explained my idea' rather question.....and i did understand that the 'wings' are one of the most complex ever natural fabrication that has still not been understood by scientists 100 pcnt.He said- we havent been able to achive even 20% perfection to a birds wing' dynamics..but yes- best part was they were interested, they were encouraging...and then guided me to the materials management team- the same team that had developed the Jaipur foot- an Indian prosthetic limb.In the next few days, there was a flurry of communication which i had with the students- sharing, postulating, and kinda trying to comprehend. One group also put up this case- in their student committee- for discussion- and brainstorming. The entire cycle was supposed to be on suppositions. But mainly on one question- WHY NOT?

Code named 'TWEETY MUST FLY' i continued meeting, writing to, and interacting with many people. The entire process was going to be in 3 parts:

a) to develop the right kinda wings.

b) to find the best composite material for making the wing

c) a surgeon who will take up the chalenge of fixing the wings.

It sounded like a dream project...and news did spread to quarters i dint even expect. A famous vet surgeon from Bombay, called up and said- if u guys can make the wings- i can fix it for tweety. a materials expert from iit kharagpur also chipped in with his support and said- he too will try his best in making some light material in the lab. The biggest surprise was a letter from an Indian Scientist from NASA. He said- i will be coming to India in December and will certainly try my best to help in this project. And make tweety fly.

Perhaps that night, i imagined myself to be tweety....flying high in the sky, doing somersaults, eating fresh guavas from trees...etc....

To me, the project was moving full steam- on the power of hope and help from a number of people- especially when there was no 'commercial' angle to it.

Weeks rolled into 2 months- and it was just around november...

Morning time, was our prince tweety's time.....time to sit on his throne made of a twig, and then moment he was on the terrace, he would run, scream, jump....to gleee...and have his heart's fill ...and also inviting over many of his own kind. 9.30am it was time to bring him back, as i had to leave for office....and as usual, i went up, and he hopped on the twig.

Just as i was walking down the stairs- the last stair- i stumbled....fell...lost my balance.tweety too fell....and Misha- my 2nd doggy was right there....tweety fell right in front of her- and in one instant and instinctive reaction- she just put her paw on tweety. Impulse- and meant no harm.

But it was too much of a trauma for tweety.

It turned cold.

No response.

Tweety had flown away. Forever.

LOVE' in a Bombay CAB

2011-12-21T22:04:00.001-08:00

LOVE IN A BOMBAY CAB: A true story: In a city starved of space, freedom,and infested with moral police- cabs are one of the safest places where ppl love' on the go. Loverbirds, even married couples grab their share of 5 mins of 'romantik' moments...and it wasnt too unsual to see, that evening, a cab where we saw a couple pull each othr closer. I was on the bike with my art-director Bhushan, i just told him- hey look, there's some hanky panky going on in the cab ahead. It was bumper to bumper traffic and we were right behind the cab- and it was going to be that way for sometime. Suddenly what caught our attention was- the woman;s head was bobbing up and down every 2 mins...the idiotic voyeur in me- and the dirty mind that i am- i told bhushan- hey i think she is doing a Monika Lewinsky number- right therein the cab...see see see....even bhushan said- aiila- true man...luk how besharam ppl hav become- a bj right in the cab?? A few minuts pased..and we just about managed to overtake the cab- assuming that like all others around-we too are going to see them in a compromising position- Gosh. It wasnt. There was a small baby in the man's lap...and the woman- the mother....was baar baar...bending down and kissing the lil smilig innocent baby.....what we thought....and wat it turned out to be....

INDIAN BLOOD......

2011-11-16T21:12:00.000-08:00

WORLD'S SHORTEST STORY: Once, there was a big fat mosquito in Bombay.Like politicians, he loved to suck blood...that nigt, he thot, lemme take a round and find some good victims. First he bit jaspreet singh.then ashfaq shaikh, his neighbor. Lil ahead, down the road..he found father thomas.....and then...girija shankar...a lil orphan..playing on the road..saw the mosquito and in one swipe-smashed it...N guess wat- he was assuming that it will be red- but the mosquito'es blood was in 3 colors. Our tri-color: Jai hind.

Creation of a mascot: Dchef- the masterchef.

2011-11-11T22:56:00.000-08:00

http://delectable.in/dchefintro.aspx

CHANAKYA'S CHAKKRAVYUH: BRAND IDENTITY

2011-11-11T19:23:00.000-08:00

BRAND IDENTITY: It's India's first board game that teaches the nuances of finance, investments, opportunties....and how to create passive income. Based on CHanakya's arthshastra and 'corporate chanakya' radhakrishnan pillai's famus book- the challenge was to create a brand identity( logo- in layman terms) to integrate Chanakyas 2000 yr old wisdom with the current day scenario of the rupee.....hence, this marriage between the ruppe symbol and chanakya- that led to creation of this idea and identity. the hottest n the latest work...presenting here for ur comments n views.
By: Ashish Vyas

An interview with the F1 DOG- his name is CIRCUIT.

2011-10-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

3 DAYS BACK....A STRAY DOG ENTERED THE F1 CIRCUIT AND IT TOOK ALMOST 20 MINUTES FOR THE OFFICIALS TO DRIVE HIM AWAY. ONCE APREHENDED, I MANAGED TO SNEAK INTO THE GURGAON JAIL, AND INTERVIEWED THIS DOG-

Q: Hey doggy,i'm from Faking Times, and i wish to interview you. Can you spare a few minutes?

The dog just growled...till i handed over some Dog biscuits that i was carrying-just to bribe him...incase...he acts like....

Dog: Look, in the first place, don't call me a 'dog'. My name's F1. Or pyarse some bitches have started calling me 'Circuit'. Choose your option.

Ok then, circuit...how did you manage to enter such a high-security and VIP area..and why.

Circuit said '' man it was simple...i made friends with some of the police sniffer dogs...and i just generally requested one 'foreign dog' that i want to take a closer look...and he kinda agreed if i introduced him to some 'desi' bitch...the deal was cracked and he let me in....

Oh i see....i said. But what was like so tempting...that you wanted to risk coming inside??

Grrrr....you humans wont understand...see i've always had a fetish for car tyres..and u know why..each time i see a tyre, my leg goes up and...pisssssssssss

Awww cmon don't be gross now..we all know that about dogs...ooops i mean know it about you....

So- the dog continued- i've been there, done that-on every single brand in this country...From vintage car tyres, to mrf, ceat, pirreli....u name and ive done it....but..i had never done it on an F1 car tyre. That was one ultimate dream i always had ever since i was relocated from this area-in a bid to build this circuit..you know, here, there is space for elephants but no dogs....so kinda wanted to prove a point to mayawati behen also....

i said- hey are you getting into some social dynamics and political analysis...

Circuit continued...see, every dog, and every bitch has his/her day...this moment was mine..and i wanted to be a hero...

By the way- i said- did u know British bookies had placed bets on you- i mean on this event- that dogs will certainly run on this circuit....

What...circuit said..i never saw any politicians running on this track...ohhhh u mean us, the 4 legged dogs....hahahah...ya i read about it...100:1 ka bet tha...good chalo, i made someone rich in some way..i atleast contributed to some human's welfare....hey i gotta share one thing with you...just before the race started, there was a bomb scare...and all the sniffer dogs were rushed to the stands...and in the dressing room....

one dog- passing by mallaya- said...he was reeking of alchohol and octane mix...and he was discussing how to cut down jet's pilots...

another dog, who happend to find a trail...ultimately ended up in the prvate room of Mallika sherawat....huh Bomb- or so it seems- that dog exclaimed....

the 3rd one, wen he came back after sniffing the entire area came back with a sore nose- all he could smell was some perfume called WAYAMATI...he said it was smelling like elephant dung....he said, wen he entered the ladies loo, he found one 'gent's inside....

Huh...let it go...let her rest for a while...na...

What are your future plans??

Circuit says....mmmmmm future plans well i have a lot of em now...

First is to try to buy a 4ft by 4ft kennel somewhere around Noida or Gurgaon...u know im no more a slumdog, im a slumdog millionnaire....but still, looking at the real estate prices, i cant afford to buy a kennel in Delhi.....

Guess what, i saw Shumaker...and im gona order some good pair of shoes from him, now that im famus and will earn royalty on talk shows and tv shows on animal planet..If rakhi sawant can be on tv, why not me??

Then, im going to start a grroming school.for dogs...not elephants....i will give the contract to Jaypee group only..they r too good....

Next, i will visit the jail- Tihar jail, with one of my Rabid cousins...i will pretend that im there for a visit, but i will ensure that my cousin bites all those buggers who r giving us a bad name...those dogs like Kalamadi, A .raja., Kanhi.......ive already prepared an entire bite-list....just wait and watch....

All of a sudden, the jail door opens, i hear a clanking sound, and i see DAHRMENDRA enter the same cell, where i am interviewing this dog......

Kutte.....main tera khoon pee jaoonga.........

I run, the dog runs.....and interview is cut short....

THE MAID WHO MADE IT....BIG!

2011-10-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

who made it!!!

Shy, innocent and a bit rag-tagged, she walked into our house on that morning, along with her mother. The initial information exchange over, her mother left, and the girl- who we had hired as a caretaker- was shown her room, her corner and also given a download of the pets- each pet's ka nature, who's aggressive, who to play with and who to stay away from- and every single idiosyncrasy of each one- Prince, Misha and Cherry- respectively. Didn't have much info tho, to share with her on the new-born baby- for whom she was going to be the caretaker.

Days and weeks passed by and she was part of our family- playing with the kid, taking care of her while mom is away for a while, or simply soaking the baby in the early morning sun...I and my wife could make out one thing for sure- that this girl- the maid if be put in crude terms, and caretaker-if a little polished way to say- was certainly different from the rest. She was curious, wanted to know more, asked many questions on everything- right from music to arts, to even sciences....and that, when she was barely educated upto 9th standard.

All her curiousity led us to one conclusion- that this girl doesnt deserve to be a maid- just because she is poor. Her ambitions and her level of thinking is too different and we gotta do something about her. So, one day, my wife struck a conversation with her and asked 'beta, what do you want to do in life" what's your goal.....Out poured her stories of how her father hadn't allowed her to study, how she was crushed in her family and what traumas she has undergone. The answer came at the end- she said- DIDI, i want to become a famous beautician. I want to have my own Beauty parlor 2 years from now. Bang on! She was different- because she had a dream, a mission, and ambition. It was only a question of how to reach there.

Things were worked out for her- first step to get her enrolled in a good course- we couldn't allocate so much money at one shot- so we worked out an emi arrangement with the parlor. Next- was to allot the entire afternoon time slot for this girl- and 3rd- to ensure that even in her absence, all the things went off smoothly.

Done and over, on the first day this innocent yet fire-in-her-eyes girl came back all smiles, and in a prancing style. She was almost in tears as she thanked my wife for this big opportunity and all. My wife maintained her composure- and in a typical shaadi-ke-time-and-just-before-the-fera style- she said " But hum ek baat toh kehna bhool hi gaye"......The girl was a bit shaken...maybe all of a sudden she thought something has gone wrong. Maybe her father has come to pick her up. Maybe we have changed our mind. Maybe......

Before the next thought flashed across the lil girls mind- my wife said ; Dekho beta- we want one major promise from you....Before wife completed her line, the girl said didi, mujhe bhi aapse baat karni thi....about the fees....i never knew you have paid so much..how will i return the money.....It was my wife's turn to interrupt and then....Humko yeh fees nahi chaiye vvapis....but ek promise chaiye tumse. That tomorrow, when you open your own beauty parlour- you will teach 3 underprivileged girls free of cost. The girl stood silent for a while- and said. 'didi' main kasam khati hoon, main vaisa hi karoongi.

Time flew, and after a few months, she completed her course. My baby too, had grown up a bit and now, and it was time for us to push this girl away from the comforts she was getting too used to. lLest she forget her goal.

She cried a lot while leaving, and we told her ' the next time we wanna see you- is with an invite' of your own Beauty parlor. We will wait for that moment.

Life moved on....till one such day- a couple of years back, we heard a knock on our door. On opening- we saw what we had maybe subliminally waited for. The lil girl had grown up- was carrying a big box of sweets, and a glittering card in her hand. She hadn't forgotten that Prince- my first doggy loved Monginis and that too, she had brought in full stock. A big chocolate for wife. And a silver kada for my baby- which was now 3 years old.

Yes, her dream she had fulfilled. And today, she had a full-fledged beauty parlor, some 20 tolas of gold she has made for herself, she has renovated her house, complete with all the modern gadgets- and lastly- she has taught not less than 8 girls-free of cost' at her parlor.

Reminds you of one sign that many rickshaws in Bombay sport behind their hood 'Ek mulgi sheekli, toh parivar sheekla.' When you teach a girl, you are educating an entire family.

A tribute to the UNCOMMON MAN....

2011-10-24T20:22:00.000-07:00

This birthday card was done last year on ocassion of Laxman's birthday....but i just couldnt send it.

A corporate t-shirt- 10 anniversary

2011-10-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

Brand identity program for a Mastana Basmati Rice

2011-10-17T00:55:00.001-07:00

https://picasaweb.google.com/100826223206128167855/MastanaBasmatiRiceBrandIdentityProgram

Brand identity program for a Mastana Basmati Rice

2011-10-17T00:53:00.001-07:00

Jungle v/s concrete jungle....

2011-10-08T22:08:00.000-07:00

JUNGLE V/S CONCRETE JUNGLE.....the fight continues, the struggle and conflict is ongoing between man and nature...somewhere forests are denuded and some places, the earth is being made hollow- as if pulling out its intestines- via mining...BUT some shining examples- took this shot near SIES COLLEGE,NERUL yesterday...A beutiful poem of life it is.. They built the wall, but left the tree alive..CO-EXISTENCE will help, competition will kill.....

Experimental design for a shopping bag

2011-10-02T23:41:00.000-07:00

Ps. There are some typo's but this is just the first cut. Will rectify those while i add details on it..and plus in bag one- still got to get the right angle of choti.....

my small contribution to stop this fucking killing.....

2011-09-06T01:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nvtbwJ0_5NE&feature=player_embedded#t=100s

FREEDOM STRUGGLE- 2011

2011-08-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Thought when the entire country is rallying behind one man- anna hazare, and the nations mood is all go-out-get-em, then how do we bring that sentiment on a tshirt= Here's one rendition that speaks just that. Designed and conceived especially for tomorrows Independence day- and Anna Hazare's movement- which is urs and mine too!

The curse of Ganpati( that u never heard)

2011-08-08T08:33:00.000-07:00

CURSE OF GANPATI- THAT U HAVE NEVER HEARD: GO beta, make me in plaster of paris (pop), use toxic colors that kill thousands of fish n other marine life, go ahead and destroy the fragile waterbodies by dumping me anywhere in any water body, use ample thermocol that is harmful for ur own plants n lakes...jaa mera ashirwad hai tere liye..my blessings are with u- go destroy ur self....( or use eco friendly tiny earthen murti's)

Anmol Diwali card - a diamond client

2011-08-02T23:44:00.000-07:00

Being a diamond brand, the message here was brought out very beautifully...wherein we showed the front cover with a glowing light, and inside...the brand/product....communicating all bout the festival and the moment.

WESTERN UNION CREATIVES

2011-08-02T23:31:00.000-07:00

A recruitment ad- was fun doing this cryptic one..

2011-08-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

DC Design

2011-08-02T23:23:00.001-07:00

3 diifferent routes- with 2 executions each: DC DESIGN

2011-08-02T23:14:00.000-07:00

Welingkar Business School- Branded Tshirt designs designed for their enrollment drive

2011-08-02T02:55:00.000-07:00

Exclusively designed for Bisleri

2011-08-02T02:53:00.000-07:00

TIKONA WIRELES BROADBAND- CAMPAIGN 2 ( SEPT 2009)

2011-08-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

BORN AGAIN: A campaign that was done for a wirelesss broadband service provider- Tikona. Core thought was- no matter what ur age, whatever profession and whatever service uve been using so far- today, with this- its like ur born again.

https://picasaweb.google.com/100826223206128167855/TikonaWirelessBroadbandCampaign2LaunchPlusPhase2

Tikona Wireless Broadband- Campaign 1( Teaser plus launch)

2011-08-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

This was a campaign done for the launch of a wireless broadband company, in Bombay. Please copy paste the link in ur browser if this link doesnt work directly.

Cheers n jai hind

https://picasaweb.google.com/100826223206128167855/TikonaWirelessBroadbandCampaign1TeaserPlusLaunch

One lazy sunday afternoon...experiments with clay

2011-08-01T00:29:00.000-07:00

Wish i could have done the art-direction too!

2011-07-26T03:21:00.000-07:00

The entire idea was to bring out the corollary of how, some words of wisdom and some moments are as precious as pearls. And what better way to show an oyster and then capture the same cd-cover opening- just like an oyster...the idea was good but i thin much left to be desired on the art diection front....

Indian Innovation....

2011-07-26T00:49:00.000-07:00

Indian Innovation: Here's where your punctured tyre gets royal treatment. A-la royal dip in a bathtub. Shot taken near sakinaka.

You can cut me, but u cant kill me..and my spirit.

2011-07-26T00:42:00.000-07:00

Human spirit is something that can never be fathomed, measured, or slotted. The best of the gems of the world have been born out of adversity, hardship, and no matter what came their way, no matter how many times they were uprooted, and how many times humiliated- theres something called hope and confidence that always helped them get bac on track, on their mission. Here, this hacked tree is evidence- and likewise, that green lil offshoot- its coming back to life...to lead the way and to be a leader again...

From archives- stellar school posters

2011-07-26T00:37:00.001-07:00

Hittin the nail on its head....

2011-07-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

This male model must be really cursing his fate...the mazdoor has pasted the vinyl in such a way that a big screw has gone rght thru the man's forehead....now thts wat u call hitting the nail right on the head...jesus christ! Shot taken at powai- 20.7.11

Red Alert

2011-07-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

RED ALERT: Never ever go to the saloon rite nxt to KINGFISHER academy. Bcoz u wl invariably end up turning ur head too many times- sometimes as an involunatary muscle movement- and u end up with a bloody cut from the barber's razor....

2011-07-26T00:28:00.000-07:00

Benefits of Bombay's potholes a) Many women deliver in the rickshaw/cab while still being rushed to the hospital. Saves hospitalisation and delivery charges. b) Breaks your back sometimes so badly, you simply can take a chutti c) If you are peacefully dreaming and thinking of ideas on ur car seat, some potholes, so big, they shake u wake u off ur slumber- reality chek. d) gives double income to puncturwalas, tyre walas, othopeadics, axle repairers,- n a lot more ppl.

DOB

2011-07-26T00:26:00.000-07:00

It ws a spelling mistake...and an erratic blunder- wen a friend said DOB is death of birth.(instead of date of birth). But, sometimes truth happens by mistake, and the mistake is so so much reality. With millions of girl chikdren being killed, it certainly makes sensse to say DEATH OF (A) BIRTH.

What happens when garbage starts talking...

2011-07-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

It was a cold rainy night, when the last truck came and picked up the garbage outside Sion station. What remained behind was- an empty carton of Bagpiper, a Dhara Oil tetrapack, a few random rotting vegetables, a discarded condom, a pile of wet newspapers, a solitary hai-pin, and a torn and tattered soft-toy that looked a bit like tweety.

Out of nowhere, the whiskey carton, breaking the silence of the night, started talking. Hey guys, where have you u come from….as far as I’m concerned, a i few hours back at one Garudkar’s house….they had good fun, and he drank so much he collapsed on the sofa only. Taking a cue, all other items of garbage, as if sprung to life…and that’s where this story’s title came from: A rotton article

The Dhara groundnut oil pack said…You know, my batchmates, who were born, packed, transferred and sold- all over India, they all claim to have a shelf life of 6 months atleast…but in this Gujju family, I only lasted for a month. Forget cholesterol, fats or anything, oil flows like water in their food..no wonder they have been listed in the WHO list also, as potentially high-risk communities- a study pertaining o food habits and health hazards in India.…zindagi bus do din ki uske yahan.

The condom, of course, stretched a bit, and as throbbed back to life ( pun intended). It said ‘ boss, apun ka kaam hai public ko bachana and masti dena…whatever little time I lived, I sure had fun…good fun…and plus I’m also doing my bit to control the menace of AIDS, Population explosion and…just my way to live a good meaningful life. Am happy this way..I had a good time… woah…lemme tell u guys ive been there, done that…

The hair-pin started crying…she said..i was just bought 2 days ago from JNPT…my god let me tell those guys, those officers are so bloddy corrupt, that nothing moves beyond the gates, unless and until bribes are paid. By the way, people, I’m from China…nowadays I don’t see any Indian hair pins. Am shocked that even the smallest of things are imported, and all I can think of is- how is the Indian small-scale sector and cottage industry going to survive this onslaught? A tomato tried to brush her aside- and the hair-pin blurted some swear word in Chinese, leaving the tomato really fuming red. Regaining her composure, she said- soy guys, but I can’t speak Marathi..only mandarin and English…O yes, how I came here? This girl just across the road got a new hair untangling shampoo, n next moment- as if she doesn’t need me…simply tossed me in the garbage…

Hearing all this, a rotten cabbage, removed a few layers from his face and then, said, gosh, I travelled all the way from Sangli to Bombay…but there are no cold chain facilities in India. Just imagine I was freshly born just 2 days back…and see me now! Even before I reached the vegetable market, I was stinking and rotting within.

And I’m not alone facing this curse. Wheat from Punjab, every year they suffer the same ignominy. Poor things, millions of them lie in the open, braving sun and rain, and finally rot to death. See see see, can you see that beggar scavenging the roadside hotel bin for food? I wish, we had good storage and transport facilities- nobody would ever go hungry in India that way.

The Newspaper, was the loudest. Naturally, because it was a tabloid and it loved to scream, shout and sensationalise everything- including bomb blasts and accidents. It said- Bhai-lok, did you even know why that dumper left so fast, and why it goes so fast on the road- even at the cost of crushing innocent lives now and then? It’s all a big scam perpetrated by these vehicle contractors and the BMC. More the rounds it makes, higher the scam money and inflated bills…and by the way, see open me and read my 3rd page. There’s a fresh scoop on how Anti-Corruption department’s Officer was caught red handed taking a bribe. And also, on page 16, a story on how a woman was murdered last night at Antop Hill just because her boyfriend suspected her having an affair with her husband…..huh…nobody was interested…except one broken specs, without one glass…it just hopped on and went to read that part of the story.

Meanwhile, a dog came, sniffed all around- picked up one soundless bread that was all green with fungus, and went off happily to feed its hungry puppies which were crying under some pipe…she was pretty happy…and was feeling happy that her kids wont go hungry- at least for tonite.

Next moment, a rumbling sound….and in a split second, everybody realized…that its time they will be picked up and dumped in the truck…..the whiskey box was the liveliest and somehow, he spotted what nobody else could- it was a small bundle wrapped in tissue paper…but still throbbing a bit…seems it was freshly thrown out of an auto rickshaw passing by…

The box went closer, took the help of the condom and the broken specs…..all the three of them went to that small pink looking thing…opened it and….they dint know what it was…they asked…who are you, what are you, where did you come from?

The small pink thing replied…I don’t know my name- all I know that I’m a foetus…a girl foetus.

HOW ONE FAT FROG SHOOK THE WORLD'S STOCK MARKET

2011-07-12T00:57:00.000-07:00

The marketing manager was scratching his head. Getting wet in the rains, he was still wondering what he should do, to increase the sales of his mosquito coils thru innovative means. The competition was tough, and peneration into already existing segments was hard as good as chewing a steel burger. As he walked thru the puddles, and inching towards his office, his sights fell on a fat big frog- who, in one split second, swallowed 3 large dengue mosquitoes. Gulp...burrpppp...the frog exclaimed.The marketing manager was simply in awe of this frogs technique, skill, speed and effectiveness. He went upto the big fat frog and said- hey bugger, will u be open to a business proposal? Will you be ready to join hands on a big mission? Frog, didnt bother too much- as his lightening tongue slithered in and out and downed 5 more flies. MMMmmmmmm he said- so what's the deal, sirjee? Wah plan and what proposal. Please elaborate. No hidden clauses and all- i hope- and no false promises of a princess kissing me and marrying me and shit. The maager said- Oh no- all in black n white- on paper- a legal MOU. Are you by any chance missing 2 letters in that word- is it mouse' that u said- or....Nooooo quipped the manager , MOU means Memorandum of understanding. Ahhhh said the fat one. Ok, tell me the deal.

Here's he offer: Buy one mosquito coil, get one pet frog free. That's the revolutionary offer i want to announce in the market. Going by Goodnites, All-out, and Tortoise coils, i have to be different. Radically different. And to make this offer happen, i will need millions of you, frogs, to go to buyers homes...customers will lap up this offer, and plus they will have all round security from mosquitoes and other flying pests....since you guys would be taking over. The fat frog thought about it for a minute and said- but what's in it for me?? Manager explained- see normally nobody allows you inside the house, right? Here. im making you an integral part of my brand, and you frogs will piggyback on, and inside. Once they get used to this double deal, its a completely new market, an we reach an impregnable position. Competition also wont be able to replicate this offer, as you frogs would come under one umbrella and one mou- unless, of course they import frogs from china- which in any case not possible, coz from china, even if they import frongs, they would all be leg-less. Legs are the bigest delicacy- u know, in in China. The fat one, bent over, in an attempt to look at his own legs, but he couldnt. His belly wouldnt give him that view.

The fat frog said; Gime some time to internalise this proposal, brainstorm with my team, give them a download of ur proposal; I'l get back to you in a days time. Manager said- and as fa as you are concerned- as the CEO of frogs, you will be assigned only duty at some royal places- maybe Vijay mallayas bunglow, or at Antilla- Ambani's. Mmmmmm...said the fat frog, and splashed back in water.

On the table, now the talks proceeded and finally, after almost 3 hours of croaking, both the parties signed the deal.The manager fixed up a day and date, when he would announce this offer, and how he is going to release full page ads in TOI and HT and MId-Day, and started working out the budgets. The frog meanwhile, took help of a retired logistics manager and worked out the end-to-end chain- and also finalised which frogs will be assigned which area. For instance, the Gujju frogs were to go in gujarati areas and the marathi croacking frogs would go to areas like dadar. The south indian frogs were assigned the areas of sion and matunga, where there is prime concentration of south indians. The methodism was- every time a customer buys a coil, a frog will jump and sit on the pack- of course, frog will have a branded jacket and all.

The entire market was taken by storm, the world press, Harvard, Wharton, Time, google- the marketing managers unique idea was all over the place. He became an overnight sensation,across the business world, and now, jetting across the world, with obscene offers and partnership poposals in his poket. He left the company be run by his juniors and as it is, the entire system was all in place, so no worries no cares.

Meanwhile, at the other end, frogs had been acccepted as pets all over, and became quite friendly in homes where they were stationed.The fat frog also became a millionaire, and now, he never used to catch flies or mosquitoes- he simple ordered tinned cans and fried pest delicacy from where else- China. He became arrogant, and vain, and started bossing over. At his end, he tied up with some language institutes to train frogs in foreign languages as, the company was looking into overseas expansion also. Urgent passports, UID cards, etc were arranged for those who were selected for an overseas posting. Back home, the fat frog started dictating terms to our marketing manager- started asking for hard cash, overtime, 2 holidays per week, etc. Some idiculous proposals. The manager, dint have any option but to agree to this- since this was his most precious USP.

It was evening time and a swarm of mosquitoes decended on Mr. Bhatnagar's house- incidentally he was the CEO of Totoise coils, and yet, even he was using the frog brand coils at home- as it really worked. And he was in all awe of this idea very much, regretting why he dint think of it. As he just relaxed in his couch, the power lines snapped, and there was complete darkness. He got up, lit a candle, and then, searched for frog-brand coils. But there was none. Ahh- tonight mosquitoes are going to have a good time doing blood taste sampling- he mumbled and went off to sleep. Sometime around mid-night he woke up, only to see that though there were no coils, the frog on duty was simply too good and was gulping down mosquitoes like a Toyota Fortuner drinks petrol. He had a eureka moment- and out he was in his driveway, as he summoned all his main brand managers for a midnight urgent meeting. Pajama meeting. What he said, and what insight he shared left everybody stunned.

Within 24hours, frog brand coil had an internal revolt, half the frogs didn't report for duty, some of them simply slept on duty- and shirking their main job completely. It was like a majority defection- just like how the Shiv Vada Pav stalls recently defected- 150 of them- to Nitesh Rane's vad pav union. It was simply a masterstroke from tortoise coil's CEO. Overnight shares of frog brand collapsed, the logistics chain got disrupted, sales dipped, Nasdaq, Nikkei, LSE - everywhere, the rings were on fire. Before the Frog brand guy could be reached at his private Hawaain resort, the entire company collapsed. By the time, he returned, all the frogs, all the coils, and the entire business went into the dumps.

What had incidentally happened was- the tortoise brand CEO realised one thing- that candlelit night- that even without the coils, the frogs were just enough to carry on the duty 100 percent. So, all he did was he simply bought over the loyalties of the fat frog, made him stake holder and partner in a new vertical, and overnight, set up a new brand- a stand alone brand- frogzz- the ultimate killer. It was a win-win situation for frogs as well as the tortoise coil brand. As both earmarked territories for themselves- exclusive marketing and distribution rights and pockets that each will own.

No new major activation or advertising was needed- it was a smooth transition all the way, and both brands went in for co-opetition approach rather than competition.

All the expansion plans went through, and it became the top brand of the world within no time. Meanwhile, even today, you will spot that marketing manager standing near the same puddle ( coz potholes in Bombay are forever) and waiting and wishing for another miracle and another insight. From that small puddle of water- all he does is go to the nearest watering hole, and drinks to glory. 24 hours.

Moral of the story: Depends who you are- where you are- and what your business plans are.

HOW MERMAIDS WERE BORN........

2011-07-11T02:33:00.000-07:00

How MER-MAIDS were born....

( a mad wild bedtime story i told yesterday)

Once there was a khaddoos lady- always angry always qurelling and always iritated. No house held would stay more than 7 days, as she was simply unbearable. It was evening time and the poo lil maid was washing the bartans. Aall of a sudden, this woman enters the kitchen, and picks up a steel plate- tries catch her own reflection in that- but she wasnt satisfied with what she saw. She picked up a belaan, a big spoon, and hit it hard on the maids head. Saali, u bloddy maid- jaa marr. Maid felt too insulted, and she rran out of the house, and since this lady stayed at napeansea road, the sea was right outside. the maid went upto the edge, and jumped. bus, usko toh marna tha. She prayed for one las time and jumped into the sea....few seconds elapsed...she started drowning, and blacking out...for god knows, what hapnned but a lovely white glow surounded her, she saw a white warm light ray pointed strait to her...it was an angel- a water angel. Angel smiled and said- no, its not time to die. You hav a lot to do, love, and achive. You have been very truthful all ur life, u have worked hard, and u will certainly get the reward..saying this, she waved a magic wand over the maids head. And in a split second, the body of the maid became glowing, she looked even more beautiful than ever, and wats more, she got beautiful shiny flippers, her body below the waist turned into a fish, and .....she looked at her own reflection and smilingly, unbelievingly, said- yes, now im a memaid.

why is gandhi looking so black???

2011-07-08T09:35:00.000-07:00

ek gandhi tha. was frail, old, used to wear loin clothes, round specs, and carrying a walking stick. poor things, was shot dead by a fanatic, but still, was the baap of all. was called bapu- fondly. one day, he thot, lemme go and buy a home for myself. so out he goes n meets a builder. gandhi had covered his face- coz he had become too shy, after coming out of the grave. he waasnt that outspoken, flirtish, not carrying 2 escorts with him, and as it is, kastur was dead- longime back. he walks into nirahandani's office. says he wants a small one room flat. builder says- wats that. not heard of it since ages. we only build homes for the super rich. if ur a bachelor and thats why u want a small flat, then u better get married, and procreate, and create the need for a big house. we dont blive in small- think big. gandhi said- hw much will it cost. builder says- 4 crores. gandhi, the old guy collapses- coz all he has is a few 2 paisas, 4 paisas, and 25 paisas- all these denominations have been wiped off by the RBI.CBI- is another story tho. Peon splashes some water on gandhi's face...he recovers..and said...ok im ok with 4 crores...but i will give u in chilllar..chalega...nirahandani slaps gandhi. saala chutiya samjha hai kya...tera chillar count karneke ke liye 5 aadmi lagega, uska salary kaun dega, dus din ka. note nahi hai toh go to pakistan printing press- get our own genuine notes from there- they r better quality than RBI and as it is, unofficially we have outsourced currency printing to pakistan. gandhi said ok- lemme see. Bhai, will u accept a cheque payment. the builder fumes frets and slaps gandhi once again. he said- saale, pehle chillar ka bolta hain, uske baad ur telling me chek, huh, kuch sharam varam hai ki nahi. gandhi says- mere paas sirf dharam hai. Abe hema malini ki aulad, dharam gaya bhaad main, show me the money. Gandhi says- then go to that tamilnadu temple where they have discovered more than 1,00,000 crores worth a treasure. hahahaha nirahandani says- thas peanuts for me.i only love hard cash. nothing else. gandhi says- ek minute. main abhi lekar aata hoon. ek suitcase mere paas hain, jo parliament main cash-for-questions scam main full tv pe tha. saying this, he opens a suitcase..builder says...50 percent white, 50 percent black. now, that was a clincher. gandhi said- ek minute. he went out of the office- first he went to a flour mill, rubbed his face in flour....ek sie white ho gaya- and then he went to the mechanic next door- rubbed his left cheek n face with grease. and then went back to nirahandani. summary- gandhi got the flat- half whie half black. 50 percent contributin from ISI pakistan for that ISO mark flat...and ISI marked tiles n windows and doors and all. The black part- however is a mystery till now. Last i heard, gandhi, afte buying the flat, is resting at some swiss bank. with a completely dark complexion. kaala gandhi.

An ant's death( ant ka aant)

2011-07-07T03:03:00.000-07:00

was walking down the pathway that leads to the society main gate, and all of a sudden a heard a scream- a death cry, as if someone was in terible pain. Looked all around but couldnt figure out from where that eerie cry emanated from. Just then, there was a flash of light, and i rubbed my eyes, only to realise that i had got super-magnifying eyes- everything around me magnified a million times over- and there- that time- i just saw a train of ants, picking up some 17 dead bodies of ants- that were bleeding and were crushed. Under my boots. Mother ant was the one who was abusing me and said- cant u guys see- every single day u kill thousands of us- while ur walking down this road. Before i could understand further, i saw a beuaitful buttefly baby that had just come out of her pupa and was about to fly- a snail was passing by, and actually it was a 100 meters dash that those snails were participating in. A small green worm was sitting on a lead aside, and ywaning away to glory- a bit irritated at the commotion. While the dead bodies of the ants were pomptly shifted, another army of ants was passing by- ek do ek do,...huffing panting, and they were in parade style- all walking on the left.n carying grains, chapatis, and tons of goodies theey had jus collected.All of a sudden, a red ant gang intersected the file and ran away with some bits. the ants, as if i was a daily routine, made no fuss, and resumed their journey.next moment there was some thunder and a big crashing sound- oh god, a twig, dry, and with a few leaves had fallen down.Phew, saved- said the ants, as it had just missed them by an inch. The buterfly baby fluttered around, making joyous flapping sounds, and god knows why, came close to me, and perched itself next to me. Hi, she said- naya hai kya yahan par- new to this place, buddy? I dint know wether to say yes or no..Coz it was both. How would it know anyways who i am- all it must seen me as is- a giant hand, a mountain that he would take efforts to fly over, or a simple a moving object passing by trundling by and crushing a million lives every single day,while im wwalking towads 'livelihood'.Butterfly continued and said- isnt it a beautiful world all around, so much peace, beauty, no infighting, so much colour and life. I kept mum. Perhaps, i needed eyes to see, understand, experience, and empathise- that theres sure another world- all around me- that needs not eyes but a heart to understand. I took one step ahead- and again- a screeching cry. Hey bugger- this small beetle said- you were just about to kill me. Get lost, go back to ur own world and size. There's no place for you. Blip. Atleast now, i look down- as much and wherever possible- try to avoid a few innocent deaths, a few death cries,and broken wings.

a short wild story

2011-07-05T04:15:00.000-07:00

ek kutta tha. kurla main rehta tha. ek din, voh kamani( its an area in bombay) chala gaya. jaisa kamani pauncha, toh samne hi dharmji mil gaye. bole, kutte bhag yahan se, nahin toh main tera khoon pi jaoonga. kutta bhaga, kamina peeche bhaga. ruk, saale ruk, main tera khoon pe jaoonga. hearing all this commotion, a gang of mosquitoes woke up from their gutter palace. the leader of mosquitoes said- damn, yeh apna competition main kaun aa gaya- i thot only politicians are our competition. yeh bolkar machchar bahar nikla. said- dog is after all a dog- a creature. and vaise bhi if i bite him, kuch farak nahi padega. the machchar flew as fast as he could, and launched an attack on dharamendra, who was running behind the kutta. machchar bola, ab tu ruk, main tera khuun peeonga- poora ek litre.barter deal main, i will give u malaria. in a min, it swooped down, bit dharmendra. in a split second, a swarm of mosquitoes descended, and dharmendra was left clapping and shouting for help...basanti, meri basani...a chakka residing nearby heard dharams screams- she came rushing- her name was basanti..she dint recognise dharam bu all she thot was- chal ek gang member kam tha, isko utha lo...yeh bhi mere jaisa chakka hi hai, aur clap bhi solid hain....they whisked him away from the attacking mosquitoes...and what they removed from him was more than just his clothes- but thats another story. a team, of bmc officials and the national malaria research council were in that area and searching for mosquitoes who r causing malaria in bombay- they had spent 34 days, mulled over 3100 cases, spent a whopping 3.5 lakhs on hotel bills, tavel, etc n yet they hadnt found a single mosquioto( chek times s of india- its a real repot). just then, they saw this main mosquito and started running behind it....but just before they caught hold of him- ooooops a team from uttaranchal forensics sciences swooped down, caught the mosquito- and vanished in a split second. guess why? coz n d tiwari is suspected of having a love child( do u even hav a hate child??) and the alleged love child has asked for a paternity test to be done...n d tiwari is disobeying even a supreme court order- refusing to give his blood sample. thats why.....mmmmmmm the forensics team is smart. they are planning to train this smarty, i mean the mosquito to go n bite n d tiwari, once by ounce everyday and then they will collect all the blood samples from him. obviously, they will crush the mosquito also. and tiwari also. ulimately both, are blood suckers.

Waiting- for his life to get Namkeen!

2011-03-16T21:54:00.000-07:00

Forget Bombay Duck, here's a Bombay Kitten.

2011-03-16T21:42:00.000-07:00

Knowing the concrete jungle of bombay, where 90 percent ppl live in small homes, holes and accomodation, this kitten seems to have imbibed the true essence of bombay- naturally. By curling up in a cramped small fruit basket. Perhaps, it just read the per squere feet rate in todays economic times, tht r so un-economical.

The dream, vision, and the idea! Can this company be real?

2011-03-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

Anti status-quo
The world's craziest media integrated company

I woke up all of a sudden. It was a cold breezy morning and was still wondering whether it was a dream that I saw while asleep or is it something I dream of with open eyes??

Yes, who knows, some dreams can be real!

Thus, was born the world’s craziest ideas integrated company- with a vision to be a powerhouse of lateral thought, innovation, and applications in the Asia- Pacific region. A la- 3M in another avatar where the mission is as simple as ‘ here, an apple falls on our head everyday. Completely media neutral and ideas driven- the company shall be known as ‘India’s most innovative and effective’ company.

Just doing it:

ASQ will straddle the businesses of communication, marketing
and design in more ways than one. Spread across a spectrum of thought,
we shall be in the business of ideas that help shape businesses, help
change attitudes, set trends, and impact the nation and its people
in a variety of ways. Change agents, catalysts or simply put, being in

everything that has a heart, and an idea to it.

………………………………………………………………………………………………

Key divisions:

Advertising and marketing:
This will be the dominant key business driver of the company, and will
include brand consultancy, brand strategies, designing, innovative
marketing approaches and the works.
The media and the vehicles would be press, TV, outdoors, web and
mobile creative for clients.

Business solutions/Consultancy

Using the power of de-focus, this division only deals with giving lateral

out-of-the-book solutions to clients’ brand. Could be about new retail

models, new distribution models, a new business line, or could be all

about suggesting a radical packaging.

New media: The key focus of this cell would be to spot opportunities
in the market and develop unique and never-ever-used media
(unconventional media), patent them or own sole rights to use them.

Big and small: While only 5% businesses are into the purview of

multinational and larger groups, the main chunk, as they say, lies at
the bottom o the pyramid. This cell will be dedicated to small
business/growing/upstarts and providing consultancy to such entities.
In other words, big ideas for small businesses.

Cartooning:

Under this cell, we shall be in the business of having a full-fledged
cartooning and illustration team, and shall be providing the ever
hungry media with cartoons in different categories viz. Political,
business, Animals view of India, and International.
Initially to be a 2-person team, we aim to make this division an
independent syndicated cartoon company on the lines of Kings Features
International.

Industrial Design/Innovations

A conceptual platform where life changing ideas shall be generated. How to improve a consumer’s life, a citizen’s life, and help bring a change in the country. It could be a washing machine, it could be an innovation in water transport, a social venture that brings street kids into an organized retail sectors, or it may propose renewable energy concepts to the GOI. A tie-up with IIT’s, the honeybee network and colleges, the division would be a breeding ground for ideas for India- and Indians, and shall endeavor to commercialize the huge rich potential of ideas. Quadraptoper. Kite.

T-shirts, shirts and accessories design

This division will be involved in designing highly customized and
personalized t-shirts n shirts for Hollywood celebrities. Made
according the event n incident of the celebrity, it speaks the mind n
heart of the individual, and projects him/her loud and clear. Meant
for the overseas market only, each piece will be priced at around
2,000 dollars. Carrying on the same crazy ideas onto ties, bags, hats,
caps, the first 2 samples have been sent to Paris Hilton.

Creative Content

This division is meant to exclusively cater to the ever hungry media
and TV channels by providing them with fresh content in form of short
stories, children's stories( animated) news room fillers, serial
stories( a la malgudi days) , and will consequently get into books,
fiction and non-fiction

Innovation platform

Under this division, a more or less a non-profit division, we shall
aim at being a platform for young n fresh minds in the creative as
well as the technical field. Helping innovative minds with the right
sources, right ideas and help them commercialize their ventures in
their respective fields. It's about promoting minds which just need
that extra push.

IndiaOne cell

This is the social cell of the company which will be meant to serve
the society, community and the country. Promoting social welfare
issues, fighting for civil rights, RTI cases against corrupt
government servants, handling social communication and generating
awareness on multiple issues that impact us, directly and indirectly.

It will also interact with students on a regular basis, bring in honorary

speakers, conduct workshops on innovation- especially for underprivileged,

and hone their lateral thinking skills.

First he drank like a fish, then he swam like a fish....

2011-03-06T20:39:00.001-08:00

T-shirt design for a college fest: Terna Engineering College

2011-03-06T20:02:00.001-08:00

Coporate brochure: Pink Health- a US based company.https://picasaweb.google.com/100826223206128167855/CorporateBrochurePinkHealth#

2011-03-04T21:01:00.001-08:00

Corporate Brochure- Stellar School- Hyderabad

2011-03-04T20:43:00.000-08:00

https://picasaweb.google.com/100826223206128167855/CorporateBrochureStellarANewSchoolOfThought#

Stellar- a new international school started in Hyderabad. Backed by the TP GROUP (US), it is the dream child of Prasad Kunisetty a serial entrepreneur. Check out the corporate brochure conceived, created and published by Ashish Vyas- Art Amit Patankar

The difference beteen FCUK and FUCK

2011-03-01T01:28:00.000-08:00

The difference between Apple's way of creativity, and a typical indian ad agency: we love creating more divisions, more profit centres, more revenue streams, so as to show the client...o yes, we are a 360 degree agency.....( in essence wen its jus a word) .......Apples jobs n sculley, in the first place never saw themselves as a computer company- they called themselves 'a vertically integrated ad agency'. No wonder, we still look that' side for inspiration n awards- rather than harnessing riches here in our country...break dibvisions, allow pollination, allow copulation of various disciplines.....of course we gave the world a 'zero' but we are stil stuk there...wheras world has moved too far ahead..only a few people hav started tht where they hav positioned themselves as an ideas house' rather than an ad agency.....tis time, and the timebom is ticking away.

Stuff tht make challenger brands- here's dominos pizza ka baap. Delivery in 29 mins.

2011-02-28T01:20:00.000-08:00

Shot taken near nerul, new bombay......a lovely n clear cut case of a challenger brand...after all, if dhl says every second counts, then heres a brand thats saying....every minute counts. They do it in 30 mins, i will do it in 29.

Cheers to these guys....whoever and wherever they r.

The ad that almost got me sacked

2011-02-27T22:09:00.000-08:00

It was a normal financial ad. Wherein we were targetting corporates for group benefits scheme. Like any other ad, it went thru various levels of approvals and got released, got a good response also. But....It happened so tht the Chairman got infuriated, and let his fire out on the agency and of course- it reached my ass too. All becoz he used to wear dentures.....Phew...was saved!

Need fresh veggies? Just call!

2011-02-27T22:06:00.000-08:00

Preventive health chekup- Campaign for NM Medical- 2003

2011-02-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

This campaign was aimed at increasing awareness about preventive health check ups. NM Medical one of the finest centres in Bombay. The entire premise was based on - Problems never come with a forewarning. Musibat kabhi bolkar nahi aati. And to bring it out we used the contrast...So waiter serving soup with a warning...theres a fly in ur soup........likewise 4 other situations.

Create ur own world- Campaign for Framebox Digital academy

2011-02-27T21:47:00.000-08:00

Where do u get a chance to do magic, with machines and create ur very own digital second life? Its a campaign tht tells how a student , once mastered the art of graphix n sfx, can do anything he wants, and create his own world of dreams....real yet surreal.

SBI Mutual fund- ad 1

2011-02-16T22:21:00.000-08:00

Campaign approach 1- Gold's Gym

2011-02-16T22:11:00.000-08:00

MS-CIT campaign 2

2011-02-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

MS-CIT - Option 1

2011-02-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

MSCIT is a govt of maharashtra backed computer course, largely subsidised in nature and aimed at the lower strata of the student community. Presented here are 2 campaign options.

campaign- ad 1 for a premium waterfront property in blore

2011-02-16T22:00:00.001-08:00

Anti-smoking ambient- got this idea while smoking

2011-02-16T21:58:00.001-08:00

Campaign for a Veg Restaurant; promoting international cuisine

2011-02-13T21:13:00.000-08:00

Campaign for a Premium Waterside property

2011-02-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

From receptionist. to flower vendor. to pimp(nearly)

2011-01-12T03:01:00.000-08:00

THE FIVE STAR EXPERIENCE

Lemme start off with wat happened during my vacation after 12 std. Now I came in touch with a a very intelligent guy called Sanjeev. He wasa very unique character and my dad was full of praise. We used to talk on many issues..politics, business and also babes. Unlike an ordinary pan-masala chewing gujju of surat, I was inclined heavily towards ppl with a certain intelligence quotient. My frends used to call me a chutiya…but well, I was always different. My frneds had avery A-typical schedule. Going to school, playing cricket and in the evening doing rounds on the bike and patao good looking girls of surat.

I too enjoyed it, but along with it all, I also pusued a things on a different plane. I was heavily into reading and kinda had knowledge on every subject. So asi was telling u, about the time of my school vacation.

HOW I NEARLY BECAME A FLOWER VENDOR

There was this new five star hotel coming up in surat…the rama regency. Now Sanjeev told me that they needed some smart English speaking ppl for summers. I said yes to it and that was my first brush with the hospitality industry. I got selected instantly coz I only used to talk in English, even I n surat and was branded as a desh-drohi for that many times. After the first week in hotel, I got bored to stand like a stature at the reception…again I met Sanjeev so he hit upon a great idea. He said the hotel needs a lot of flowers everyday..so lets start supplying flowers……to do some homework, I visited Bombay 4 times, speaking flower vendors in dadar and bhuleshwar. Nothing came out of it, exceptitadded my knowledge about a land called Bombay. And I came all alone.. which was really something worth discussing amongst my family n relatives.

AND THEN HOW I NEARLY BECAME A PIMP

Since it dint work out, sanejeev yetagain suggested to think of a new idea. Then he said..how about supplying girls to the hotel. Now imagine wat a 12^th std kid like me could think? I jumped to the idea andstarted collecting information of how to go about. That time I had heard about a small time gangster called ranjit..in surat. So I one day went to meet him…he actually laughed aloud wen I told him the reason ofmy visit. But taking the joke further, he said that he will showme an albu of girls next week and that I could selec tthe girls and then start supplying. Healso told methat he will give me a quotation???!!! For the supply of girls to the hotel. I was thrilled and Sanjeev also god knows why, encouraged me. Can u blive it, I told my dad also that I am starting anew business of providng girls to rama regency? He was completely shocked and asked me details. and i very casually told him who gave me this idea and who was the head of such mad plans.....Sanjeev was summoned and reprimaned for giving me such ideas. Issue was solved and fortunately I dint get into becoming a pimp…hahahahah

Photo essays

2010-10-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

Pic taken at dadar, kabutarkhana, where the entire circle is plastered with chamchas pasting their wishes to their beloved leader. call it a case of natural justice....where what the media has not been able to do, pepl hav not been able to do, these small soft birds have just done wats deserved. plastered his face with poop. 17th oct.

2nd one, a poor lil mannequinn thrown out...body dismembered... the torso missing, legs left far behind. poetic in a way...wat happens wen ur in a mad rush. pic taken on vashi highway. 15th oct.

DEATH ON RAILS

2010-09-27T00:40:00.001-07:00

DEATH ON RAILS: After the jumbos that were mowed down a few days back, now heres another tragic news- shattering for a family- but a statistic for the govt and for u n me. a mother trying to cross the tracks gets mowed down by a local train. kid survived, young mother dead. feel like shedding a tear. but more than a tear, feel like going upto her atma or ghost, n giving it one tite slap. how dare u fuking cross wen theres a footover bridge. how stupid can u be, that u have been reduced to one more statisitc, n one more blood stain on the stretcher of kurla police- which piks up atleast 5 to 6 bodies- everyday. her kid meanwhile, must hav called out to that lump of smashed flesh 'amma' and not got a response.

work for a a company that deals in visual displays, signboards, pops, innovative visual solutions

2010-08-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

2 new cartoons- one on IPLSpat, 2nd on Naxalite massacre

2010-04-15T22:36:00.000-07:00

Concept: Ashish. Illustration: Porus

One of my most favorite ideas- done for economic times

2010-04-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

Copy: Ashish Art: Alok Gadhkar

Some of my t-shirt ideas

2010-04-06T22:29:00.000-07:00

This entire line of shirts and tshirts is conceived only for celebrities, who wish to speask their mind out to the world. as it is, even if they sneeze, its covered in the press, if they fart, its up as headlines. so capturing that very essense, this line aims to give a voice to people who are in the limelight. whats special about this concept is- its customised, personalised, and most importantly, TOPICAL. So, when Paris Hilton came out of Rehab( she was in, for 6 months to detox) then the tshirt i sent to her was ...the entire tshirt is printed with dog snouts/noses. Only one small white space near her heart, is blank, and its written: Sniffr, sniff, see, no drugs! Its made to order, one peice only, and each piece 2k dollars. min.

2 recruitment ads- art partner jayesh wadwal/amit

2010-04-06T22:20:00.000-07:00

Position zero: what vatsayana forgot to mention in kamasutra

2010-04-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Concept; Ashish. Art: Raju

worlds healthiest tobacco....

2010-04-06T22:08:00.000-07:00

jus saw it at bandra......

few years ago. had kept the pouch safely...to post it.

enjoy.

concept: ashish vyas. Illustration: Snehal ferao

2010-04-06T22:01:00.000-07:00

Recession times...

2009-10-12T11:34:00.000-07:00

Saw this idol, lying by the roadside...looks like someone has left god to fend for herselves...

bhagwan bhi raste pe aa gaye...

One man's garbage, is another's love

2009-10-09T22:54:00.000-07:00

While the entire world seems to be on tweeter, here's one sweet phot tweet( may i say, photo treat). Children love soft toys, and especially something like tweety, but even a soft toy comes with an expiry date. So, out it goes in the garbag...only later to be picked up by the garbage man. And guess wat, he is taking it home, for his lil ones. Now thats re-cycled love at its best!

Thots from a cluttered mind....

2009-10-09T22:51:00.000-07:00

Today morning, I got a call from the placement guy. After the basic information exchange, when asked about my expectation, and upon my saying…he shrieked…Boss, I will get you arrested under the Indian penal code Article xxxx for obsceniety, for asking such a vulgar salary. That’s the Khurshid Effect, you can assume.

Why doenst the commerce minister, finance minister go and arrest Mallika Sherawat, for possessing disproportionate assets, than her income( Gulp!). Income is something we all live for, so we can dine wine and chill, nd wear a levis. Now, alos available on emi’s. Forget that, now you can own a MF Husain painting on emi’s( don’t worry, its not going to be a small jigsaw puzzle which you sit and fabricate, one piece at a time).

Far more complicated is the jigsaw- the jigs of politicians and the saw of Maoists, who have almost sliced 167 districts out of 600 approx, in the country.

Their latest- Inspector Francis, sawed to death. The red blood on the ground is yet to dry, and we come to a few more colours…the tricolour..Indian wins Nobel prize, and the country celebrates…am happy with those 3 colours, am angry n red, seeing that innovation, mad ideas, wild experiments are never nurtured, grown and mentored in the right way in India.

Inspector Francis, head and body was given the final bugle and his son, grown to see violence, has taken a oath to avenge the killings one day, by becoming a police officer. ( the cycle continues). The cycle of samajwadi party worker banged into my bike at a traffic signal…but I dint dare, lest the entire gang (w)rings me up.

Its election time, daroo time, free nashta time, and time to bring out another colour which we r so proud of- Narangi( its slang for the thousand rupee note). Ring a ringa roses…pocket ful of narangis…so goes the poem…No better than those Maoists..they slit throats, these politicians slit ur poket n mine…to pay for their cattle class.( ooops).Mind you, the cost of these so called austerity measures far exceed the nominal token gesture ka value…for, when Rahul gets into a second class, an entire bogey goes waste for his SPG. Woman gives birth to a child, in a train toilet. Gosh, it slipped and woman jumped out behind her fallen baby. Unbelievable, but both are safe and alive. Hope she get’s some Mamata lifetime pass.

Just saw a pic of Kambli, giving tips to some young crickets…hope he doesn’t give tell them…how to wreck your career in 5 easy steps. Elizabeth, at 77, undergoing a heart surgery…will the docs be able to find her heart….am sure, it will be an uphill task( pun intentded).

Sharad Pawar, the Agri minister, touring vidharbha. Guess wat, he will ask his personal secretary: Wats the score man. Mr. Pawar, that’s not a cricket ball, those are human skulls…just thot of a cartoon….2 farmers in a field….about to toss a coin midair. one saying…look, heads we drink poson, tails, we hang ourselves.

But not all, have hung. Brave ones like dhyaneshwar dhange, who once was about to commit suicide…in 93, after his land holding turned from 500 acres to 5 acres only…he turned around the tide. No, it wasn’t the Monsanto or the GM breeds or hybrids. It was the desi breed. Desi ways. He stopped using fertilizer, changed crop pattern, ensured that 70 pcent of his life needs are fulfilled by his farm( including a babool datum- neem Indian datum)…today, he is an established farmer, heading a co-operative called Gandhi Jilha Vishmukta Shetmal Utpadak Sangh.

No toxins, no genetical modified seeds,…only natural. Wish, we could learn a bit more on that.

आई AND i

2009-07-15T04:50:00.000-07:00

आई। And I''.

both the words sound the same, yet, theres a sea of diference between them. one is all about selflessness, one id all about selfishness.

FYI, I in marathi means 'mother' . And the I me myself wala I is all too common with all of us.
Nothin can match a mothers love, whichever species....still remeber that bitch, carrying a roti in her mouth, n crossing the road in full torrential rains, she was taking food for her puppies..and well, she got smashed on the raod,...that roti still danglish out of her bloddied face....

yesterday, the scene was bad, wen one of relatives, someones mother and someones wife, expired.

the 6 year old daughter, so attachedto mom, dint know wat was happening. but yes she was informed that mom is no more....she cried a lot...tho every sweet lil diversion like toys, or funny antics done with her. did manage to drag her away from reality and let her be a kid....all for a fewmoments...wife was entertaining her, the small kid ananya, and she was telling the kid stories n poems n rymes...one such ryme...copy cat, stole a rat, tell ur momma to make u fat...we think kids dont understand, but well, the lil one burst out in tears...and told...now, i dont have my mom..she will never come back , haina, aunty??
the next most touching moment was wen the body was being taken into a morgue van, and the last prayers...almost thru, the kid, was standing next to a car...n it was raining heavbily...the car ac was on inside, and she started writing with her fingers...on that frsoty windows...my mom my mother, my mamma....
the child has been devasted for life....but life will go on, it has to go on....

July 13th, 09

2009-07-13T02:56:00.000-07:00

What a day! To begin with!
A fight with wife, a breakdown of my bike, a cop catching me during a nakabandhi( of course, leaving me in 1 minute also)….15 missed calls while im on my way to office…and those turned out to be a creadit card agents calls….thx god, im out of credit cards, im only into bigger debts hahahaha.
A debt to bring back my wife’s lost months. A debt of double rent, double salaries to my guys who take care of my dogs, a debt of placing a guy in my friends restaurant, a debt towards helping guruji with his brochure for a gaushala, a debt to a friend to give him a treat of 2 beers, which is pending for 2 years….and yes, in nominal n worldly terms, a debt of 90k to be cleared…life moves on, time will. Time n destiney can be shaped the way u want it…thts jus a personal belief.

36 cops slaughtered at the chatisgarh-maharashtra border. Just yesterday, we heard PC Chidambaram talking about the biggest threat to the country..its not Pakistan, it’s the Maoists, who are doing not meow meow, but now growling in more than 137 districts of the country. We wont even know the names of al those brave soldies who died, o yes, we know the name of the IPS officer who was martyrd- V K Choubey.

Reminds me of another martyr, a kargil hero…and his story. As we all know, it’s the 10th anniversary of kargil…Sepoy Uday singh, who laid down his life, at the age of 20, to capture the most important peak- tiger hill. His mother has still kept his bullet ridden wallet( which was kept in his chest poket) when he fell to a hail of bullets. He died with a bullet in his chest- the brave son of India. As I was saying , his mother has kept his wallet, and according to her wishes, half the wallet will put in her own pyre when she dies, and the other half will be exhumed to flames with the father. Both parents, broke down the day they were called to Kargil martyr ceremonies.

174 n counting. Illicit liquor killed so many in ahemadabd, Gujarat. We heard Modi lash out at Vijay Mallaya, and then go ahead n expound on principles of how gandhi’s land needs to be a prohibition state. Ive lived half my life in surat, and blive me, any liquor, any beer, any wine is available there…I had many friends who were rregular drinkers( I dint drink that time)…and especially at an area called gholwad, tables are spread across the street where u can have it jus like ur having at a bar in Bombay.

And modi talks of prohibition????
Bullshit.

Only reason why it still makes sense in Gujarat is, bcoz the bribes, ranging from 55 lakhs to 1 crore 30 lakhs,od Umra police station in surat, to Allis bridge police station, respectiviely, goes directly into the cops hands, and of course the netas pokets. Great gandhian ideals!!!! If liquor would be lagalised, then it goes to the exchequer of the govt.

The 30th annual ‘Mooning of the trains’ festival was recently held in Orange country, LA. Where people reveal their buttoks to pasing trains. Well well, here, in Bombay, we have that event every single day, all u need is to board a local train and u will see, not just buttoks but much more…in different shapes ands sizes, and colors, of course.

See, that’s what u call a gap of perspectives.
Talking of gap, here’s this cartoon, where 2 oldies chatting by a bar stool, reveal their dilemma- Granpa says….o yes, I hav a huge generation gap in my own house…im comfortable with orkut, and my grandson is into tweeting.

It’s just mid-day and theres so much to talk, so much to share and so much to think about.

How can I forget that mad guy I saw at sion signal, he was waving his hands vilently in the air, as if to reach out something:: who knows, since he is waving to god, for his time could be near. But as of now, my time is up for writing. Will make a move….

Will add more saga to the day later in the nite…

SLEEPING HEADS( PHOTOESSAY)

2009-04-12T07:32:00.000-07:00

was jus passing by this butcher shop...like i said in my last post...ive seen guys sleeping many times near goat heads and stuff.....well this time i was lucky..or maybe unlucky...to see human insensitivness(towards others) out there, in all glory(or shame)

here was a buther snoozing peacefully, by 2 depaitated heads...

isnt it a stark pic, that captures one nerve of the foodchain, altho grosly...

one is sleeping forever, n while one is jus taking a break...

plz do post ur comments....

TELL ME WHY

2009-03-30T01:37:00.000-07:00

TELL ME WHY
why dont mutton shops stop displaying that gore n flesh. n out of the innumerable shops selling chicken n mutton, i hav my particular interest in one small shack..coz many times ive seen his small kid sleeping in the evenings, rite next to decapitated heads of goats...tho its gory i must say it is a briliiant photoessay. hope i can capture it on camera someday soon.i am lodging a PIL against this gross display of flesh...so wat if u love it, u eat it? did i say im against ur eating? go ahead, veg or non veg is a personal choice. now, that the reason i bring frozen chicken kheema at home for my 3 dogs...tho i dont eat it, or even dont like the smell. all im telling is, please respect sensitivities of others.

few months back advani inaugrated a gym, n he was all over the media doing a bench press. the maharashtra state minister, cant recollect his name rite now, inaugtrated a swimming pool, n he, beiing a good swimmer himself, took the plunge. now heres the main point. saw this poster at akbarallys, chembur. that gurudas kamat, has inaugrated a muslim kabrastan. i hope he lies down in a grave for 2 mins, just for the media!!!

why did tht dog, stand rite next to the goat, which was just bout to be slaughtered...one creatures food is anothers death??
everytime an aircraft lands, i see all the passengers flipping open their cells, and like frantically making calls and announcing tht ...bhai, i have jus reached...i av jus landed..im jus coming out..my god, as if that one hour or 2 hours tht they were flying, the entire world mite have changed.hahaha/
why are we in so much love of those security tags on our hand baggage...tht it doesnt go off easily. once i met this guy who;se securtiy tag was atleast 19 days old..n his explanation was...arre bhool gaya...
so wen we land at the airport, and then sit in our car/cab or watever, we want to make a statement to all those lesser mortals...that hey, ive jus come back..via flite.
eveerytime theres a road accident, especially, wen a person is badly injured or crushed under wheels, why is it that indian police always apply that clause of rash n negligent driving, not amounting to culpable homicide? arent ppl who are crossing or walking, many times, at fault?? last nite a kid in ghatkopar was crushed. the driver was beaten badly, bus was stoned...etc etc. no one bothers to chek wether the kid was rite or not.
most of the times, even wen its green, u have ppl walking rite across u, as ur jus pressing the accelerator. now if i trundle over someone tom, will it be my fault>>
??
in one such instance, i raced the engine and about to take off, wen the signal was green, n this guy crosses the road...i intentionally went rite upto him, n stopped my bike rite between his legs....he was terribly angry..and remarked...bhai andha hai kya( r u b;lind)
i said yes. im blind. jus like u. jara please batao na, ki green hai ya red hai??
he dint say a word n walked away.

i swear i will hit someone very badly some day, if he or she is crossing the road at a green signal. why should i only be respecting the law?? if the law expects me to, then he better too!
why do water tankers lways leak n leave a trail of water?? so that some bikers slip in that waterway?? why do we not see milk tankers, petrol tankers leaking??
why are wine shops named wine shops?? u hardly find any wine, its only whiskeys n rums and vodkas of the world. n yes in the same vein, ever heard conversations happening at a wine shop??
boss, ek narangi dena! its some desi liquor brand with an orange logo.
ek bacha dena( bacha is a small 90 ml bottle of whiskey.
boss, black bottle dena, yeh nahi chaiye.( ppl hav a perception that beer tht comes in a dark opaque bottle is more stronger than a white transparent bottle, of the same brand)

why do shopkeepers always wrap a sanitary napkin pack, in a newspaper?/why cant i carry it back home just like id carry my babys diaper? or for that matter, even a condom...why do shopkeepers still hand it over to me discreetly??ive got some firing from my wife wen ive bought it openly in my hand( i rarely use plastic polythene bags)
why shouldnt i send a stinker to those people who send me those bloddy chain sms's , that say that...this is sai babas blessings, n forward it to 9 ppl immediately..if u do, then u will get good news in 24 hours. if u dont, then u will face bad luck bad times for 24 years. fuck it. sai baba is above such frivolous threats guys. stop this useless service-provider-provided-generated-sms's. wake up. jaago re!
why is every young kid waiter called chotu or tambhi? and mind u, that tag sticks for a long time coz i know one chotu which is almost 54 years old now.
we all grow up on stories, poems, rhymes, n anecdotes related to animals. bholu the bear. chimpu the monkey. moti the dog. n yet, i see mothers telling their kids...beta uske paas maat jao, ( voh dog kaat lega). how sick that we ourselves parents instill stories of animals, n then, later on, instill fear n hatred within young minds...

and finally, why does a varun gandhi, who boldly spoke on behlaf of hindus, be branded a communal mind?/ wat bout bu azmi? wat bout lalu yadav. wat bout congress, who has not only inherited the british divide-n-rule policy?
why do we always cut down that most impotant question which has led to human evolution...why not??

ONE MORE DAY HAPPENING DAY

2009-03-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

Photo essay of the day:
Arun gawli, the gangster, nw a so-called-reformed politician, was conducting a mass marriage in dagdi chawl. n the guys who were pasting posters all over walls and boundaries, perhpas cant read english. well, one movie called goonda raj was also released at the same time, n likewise, its posters were everywhere. guess wat, here in this photoessay, we see that arun gawli's posters are well stuck on the goondaraj poster. how real can reality get??? haina??

My wife has a very strange problem- of panicking very badly every morning to the call bell. Ringgggg. And she shook me up to the effect of a 8
point earthquake on the richter scale.
And mind u guys, thats just the first bell. so wether im sleeping at 2 or 4 am, im still supposed to wake up at 6.30 am...and itrun to open the door to pik up the dhoodh.
After that, 4 more bells.
milkwala.
dog attendent.
kachrawala.
newspaperwala.
bai.
istriwala.
phew.
so wether its sunday or monday, roz i have to eat d(aande)...mental gongs on my head.
wont u feel like gving gaalis? or atleast feel like??

neways coming back to expletives.....
another news: the fact about indian gaalis( expletives) are all aimed at maa, behen's...and well, here in bombay, one guy actually lived up to ggaali he gave to his friend: teri maa ch........ daloonga. guess wat, he raped his friends mom. shameful.he got a sentence of 7 years.

Another piece of news was how a fireman in bangokok, went out of the way, in the truest sense, n rescued one autistic boy stanndin precariously on the ledge- 9 floors above ground level. reminds u of amir khan in taaren zameen par...here it was in the asmaan...the fireman rushed n came back wearin a spidermans outfit...n then slowly made the kid belive tht its a real spiderman...slowly coaxed him, to walk towards him, and grabbed him lovingly wen he was close enuf. one more lovely star saved.
having said tht i hav always wondered, why do autistic kids( mentally retarded kids) pardon the term, why do have such common features as rounded off face, thick lips, sunk eyes...think bout it...wat are the factors tht make them all look similar? im inetested to know he scienifc answer to this.
us

elections loming over, and the farmers in vidharbha mite be wondering, tht till yesterday there were only vultures hoverin around our lands and villages an lavishlyd homes. And where there were no vultures, there were those nasty loan sharks. wow, helicopters are flying all the sky. rejoice guys, rejoice farmers. coz u mite not be alive to see this spectacle again. after 5 years.

BREAKING NEWS: 6 MORE FARMERS COMMITTED SUICIDE IN LAST 24 HOURS IN VIDHARBHA.

Malay shende's exhibition, currently underway at sakshi art galeerRy, next to mcdonalds, vt, shows this irony too drastically. Its at lavishly laid silver table, and rite in the middle, we have the salt n pepper dispensers. Only difference, is that those dispensers contain the ash of certain farmers who committed suicide. great job malay!
One of his sculptures shows a prehistoric man, pushing a pram in which there is this new n improved human being in all his naked glowy, n curled up like a baby..mind u he is a full grown male, and his gentils all exposed. Thank god no right wing left wing or broken wing activists have seen this art, or they will break sakshi art gallerys windows for sure...just like that whole mess they created over tits clits n elephant dicks exhibition.

they say elephants have amazing memory..but les5, he talk vout one indivial named bob petrella...he has been diagnosed with a great beemari called hyperthymescia. hope i remember the name rightly. And yes, he has overdeveloped memory. so much tht right from the age of 5, n today he is 42, he remeber every single moment, conversation, dates wen he met xyz, all his contacts n numbers, by god every single thing. i still remember, ( thats the only thing i remember) that i had scibbled down some statistics for management formulae on my palm, during an exam...but the point is, i dint remeber where to use which formula. i was publicly embarrased, coz in the entire history of somaiya management college, there was no one like me- who got a zero score out of 100. next trial i made a 700% improvement. i got 7 marks. 4rd attempt i got 23. 4th attempt the principal got sick of me and called me to his office n slammed the stats paper in my face, granted me 35 marks out of his poket and kicked me out of college with my degree.
And here at the other end of the spectrum...our netas who have amnessia, n remeber theoir constituneicnes only every 5 years. hahahahsh

In one of agony aunt columns, this boy asks the doc....doc, i and my gf had sex with clothes on, n i ejaculated in my pants only. Now, my g has missed her periods this month and im scared. Could she be pegnant? If i were the doc, i would simply tell him...boss change ur pants later, first change ur gf. coz she seems to be of that ' more lovin' types...and she mite be in love with more than just u.

arre some months back, i saw this classified, n it was clearly mentioned tht it was a kerala massage, n spanisthh massage. Now guys its not that i dont know bout all thhose seedy parlours, those prostitution dens operatig in the guise of parlours...but here it seemed too genuine, and plus it was mentioning a certain doc's name also. So i merrily called up, coz i was having a post-fall pain in my legs. n the voice at the other end asked me, sir aapko kaisi ladki chaiye..hamare pass air hostess se lekar models to college girls to housewives hain. i stuttered....as my wife was rite next to me, and since i wasnt making any secret call, i cared 2 hoots. here i was in pain, and i really needed some massage..and it was a clear need and a solution approach. alas. i banged the phone down. really. not that im a sharif guy who doesnt get attracted to females, hot ones, but jus that im too darpok in such matters, n ive stuck to my wife my cell number and my adreess for the last 8 years. phew!
o
talk bout desperation of diff varietys....and here was a woman who needed a kid badly...and she approached a tantric...first he adviced her to sacrifice a hen, then a goat, and finally he dropped the bombshell..u have to sacrifice a rhino if u want to have a kid...she paid his return airfare, 3 lakh rupees, and more. n then after feeling cheated, she also filed a complaint of cheating. gosh, now u know who to blame for all those missing rhinos in the kaziranga.
Monjul, the cartoonist at DNA, is, mind you, the next superstar cartoonist. amazing wit, amazing black humour, and cutting edge sarcasm. today his cartoon shows varun gandhi reading the gita and saying " yes priyanka did, im reading the gita, n yes im ready to fight with my cousins now.
i would like to rephrase that line: yes didi, im reading the gita,and ram, krishna, and advani, are all on my side. im ready for the new mahabharata war.

reactivating my blog..cheers...n hip hip..shit..my hip bone broke!

2009-03-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

chalo im beginignmy blog again today. was jus wondering wat to write thats wen i saw this news. the monster dad and tht tantrik need to undergo some semen smear tests, but they have not been able to ejaculate, for that smal lab test. god knows what thse perverts need toto feel hot again, so tht they get an etection and then the govt can collect their sperm samples. well, who doesnt know tht a man so used to using his daughter for nine long yeatrs, best thing is tht his daughter shoud comeand n bobbit him. agree or not, but rapists cetainly deserve tht punishment. helloo mullaji, hello taliban, hello swat, are u listening??? come n please implement ur shaira law here, atleast in some cases.

jade goody dies and leaves a 9 million pound firtune for her kids. And tht set me wonderring, wat do i leave behind if i perish suddenly...
haath zinda lakh ka, mar jayen toh sava lakh ka...
i have a 10 lakh normal life insurance, and a 25 lakh accident insurace. guess why> coz i drive pretty fast, n wat better way than to die in an accident, so my wife n kids gets 25 lakhs, rokda.
otherwise, as of now, i cant give them 25 lakhs cash neways.
ijust 20 lakhs worth of insurance, jus 3 dogs, 4 kittens, and a collective mourning of 30 dogs who will, hopefuly, cry behinf me., my wife is too practical and she wont cry i know...what would i be doing if i knew tht i was gona die say in one year.
Visiting the mansarovar actually being where that lovely shankar bhagwan is supposedly stayin. i hav e felt him many times, wen i close d my eyes, but hey im like an indian politican, ive switched my loyalties long time back and im in love with hanuman. tho he is a brahmchairi, n im the quite oppostite...but i dont pray to him, i actually feel his warm fur, his broad feet, i see myself being hugged like he hugged ram, i feel every inch and every space of hanuman within me. theres a small hidden dargah near my place, off the highway..for a long time i had heard its a bhootiya place, but one day i jus wanted to go up the hill and discover what lies ahead n inside.It turned out to be a kind soul, shah alam, and rest was all in urdu, i couldnt understand. but hey who needs a language when it comes to matters of the heart.i sat there for 2 hours, offered him a typical giarland, meant for my mandir back hme...n i justs sat there peacefully....praying to tht spirit.
ensuring that all the 30 dogs are sterilised n no more population explotion
seeing my old macdonals had a farm kinda farmhouse- where all the disabled, disoriented and tortured animals, cows, crows donkeys dogs, kittens, and all the rest of noahs ark animals find a home, where they can die in peace. thts a reccuring dream. to see tht dream.
next is, to take my dad n mom to the republic day parade, once.
and yes, i wanna visit amsterdam and see live group sex also, and also i hav too many questions for a porn star...which i wanna ask her...
guess wat, the first question is gona be: ghar pe maa behen baap bhai aur beta aur husband nahi hai kya???what do u feel when they watch ur videos?
hey missy hotty, dnt take me soriously...u jus keep doing wats best...and ill do wat best i can do= watching ur videos.

im sick of indias politicians.
thats why, i will vote.

cartoon thots of the day:
we see manmohan and advani, involved in a slugfest, n thowing stones towards each others glass houses.
a common citizen raj kumar ka famous dialogue marta hai...
" jaani, sheeshe ke mehel main rehne wale log dossro ke upar patthar fenk sakte hain, kyonki dono ka bullet proof glass mere paise se hua hai.
another idea revolves around the recent outburst of vijay mallaya, when he was asked to pay customs duty on the gandhi items coming back to india.
the conversation at the airport:
vijay mallaya" it was my duty as an indian, to bring back indias heritage.
customs officer; this is my duty' sir.

Let me end this revived blog with a photoessay titled; the height of branding.
normally when clients talk of branding, we agency people give them a laundry list of items tht can be branded. Here, is featured the famous DSP black whiskey branding exercise. chek it out for urself and plz coment.

Don't cage birds...it robs them of life....

2007-08-14T02:42:00.000-07:00

heres one poster done, meant to spread the message of freedom...for birds....

pass it on to ppl u knoiw who keep pet birds....

Another page...another day....another moment....

2007-08-14T02:40:00.000-07:00

My day started with a bang, in the truest sense. When my bike tyre blasted. Chalo, maybe today a cabbie will be 500 bucks richer, thru me, although not altruistically, I thought.

As usual, another exciting day ahead, and I got into the cab. A well-groomed sardar at the wheels, and I dug into my dose of rape, crime, the latest score in Iraq(no, they don’t play cricket, I’m talking bout the daily killings). Strange, that so many matches are going on in that arena, it’s America v/s Iraq, Sunni’s v/s Shias, America v/s Shias and Sunnis United, And so on and so forth( not to mention the matches in Afghanistan and other parts of the world.

Let’s start with news bytes of the day:

A girl selling goodluck charms ( lemon and chillies tied together as a means to ward off evil) is raped in Priyadarshini Park, Mumbai. Poor thing, I guess the guy was more interested in her charms rather.

Doctors at Calcutta medical college accused of raping a woman, who later died. There’s more. Ward boys rape a mentally retarded girl in Meerut. And what is definitely the grand prix news of all, is as we all know: Doctors blamed of terrorist attack in UK. Phew…anything more coming, Doctors??

Talk about drinking, and I got hiccups about 2 pieces of news. TimesNow, carried the news of a DIG being accused of molesting an IAS. Read between the lines here, and you will smell more. And then, there was news about Alistair Pereira, Mumbai’s poor little rich boy who mowed down some 6 to 7 people in a case of drunken driving. Guess what, now he says, that those crushed creatures ooops people were sleeping on the road, and not on the footpath. My dear Alistair, no one needs to be an Alistair McLean to decipher the mystery of your wise comment, for, when drunk, man can rarely make out the difference between a zebra and a zebra crossing. Anyways, we understand your slip of tongue.

Roads(or whatever it is called, in Mumbai) reminds me of a lovely cartoon I had seen as a child. Dabooji, the famous character was walking on the beach with his son. Son asks “ Papa, how do they make nets? Calmly, Dabooji answered “ First they collect all the holes, and then, they sew them together”
Guess, Bombay Municipal Corporation has the same explanation when it comes to the road conditions in Mumbai.

And finally, (it’s just 4.56 pm) when I’m writing this, and a lot of hours left in the day. Yet, this is a nicew way to end: Saw this driver of a mobile cardiac unit, smoking his way to glory on the highway.

Excerpts from my daily diary

2007-08-14T02:36:00.000-07:00

SEEN. HEARD. READ. OBSERVED. WONDERED.

Well its another lovely day, and ask me how handicapped I feel, when I don’t have my bike. “Taxi”, I called out. And next moment I was on my way to office. Damn, I’m gonna be late again today…I said to myself.

Newshound that I am, I opened the first newspaper.

And before I could read the first headline, I stopped at a traffic signal, where there was this charming street girl selling roses. Without a moments delay, I called her and picked up a bunch of red roses and paid her off. Cut back to me, sitting in the cab, hitting the first headline of the day- RED MOSQUE ( Lal Masjid) operation successful. Ghazi killed. The report continued, quoting an eye witness. That there was blood all around, lots of dead bodies..ooops…I glanced at the bunch of red roses on the seat. Red- it’s the colour of love as much as it is of hate. Wish reality could also be so rosy red. But then, that would be called “ Wonderland” isn’t it? Ran a few pages more inside, and reading the last interview of late Apar Singh Bajwa, who was, the then DSP of Amristsar, when operation Bluestar was carried out. Sounds so similar when today it’s Lal Masjid in the news, where radical extremists have taken control of a religious place. Re-cap to the time when the Golden Temple was annexed by Bhindrawale and his maniac bunch. And even that operation ended in red.

Well, let’s talk bout roses now. I wonder what Rose, a 14 year old girl, from Calcutta, might be doing. Rose was a maid in my society and was a victim of major abuse, violence and torture while she was in the clutches of her cruel employers. After a women’s organization was informed, she was rescued. She survived the ordeal and though her bones were battered, but not her soul. Bones, did I hear? My parents wanted me to be a Bone Specialist, but what I became was a funny bone specialist, Huh. As we all know, today, is 11th July, the first anniversary???) of the Mumbai Train Blasts. And how strange, that Mumbai Police thinks that terrorists will/may strike on this very same day. Arre CP Sir, even terrorists have an I.Q. Why should they attack on a day when security is supposed to be the tightest.

Saw this picture of a sniffer dog conducting checks at nthe railway station. Here’s how the conversation goes between the 2 sniffer dogs of Mumbai Police:

Dog 1: Arre boss, kuch mila kya.
Dog 2: Nahi yaar, yeh Mumbai police bhi na, khali peeli bahut kaam kara tein hai. Arre yaar, everyday I have to work 14 hours a day.
Dog 1: Man, guess what, I’m having such a bad nose and a sore throat now. I’m planing to take part in a Himeshbhai voice contest.
Dog 2: Wish there was a bomb threat at Mallika Sherawat’s house. Atleast bomb nahi, toh sex bomb toh dekhne ko milega.
Dog 1: Chalo, I hope your wish is fulfilled. Every dog has its day hahahah.

Headlines are funny stuff these days. Sample this: HT says 24 cops slaughtered by Maoists. DNA says 20 Maoists killed, and 27 cops missing. Now, what’s missing in both, is the real fact, right? Or so it seems. I tend to go on to serious topics more often but then blame it on Newspapers, ok? Ask them why they carry news items that are mostly serious. Or else why should I write about cops and Maoists being killed like flies.

And flies bring me to another item. I mean news item. A study says that Bird flu can spread through houseflies also. Gosh, how are we going to cull all those flies now, just as all the birds were culled during the last scare. Think, think think. Write in with your answer…early bird( !) wins a surprise gift.

A few more tit-bits.
Headline: Pawar kills several birds with one stone.
My line: Sir, instead, could you please spare a thought for a bird sanctuary?

Headline: Mayawati orders the razing of a stadium for a Kanshiram Memorial.

My line: Thank god, the vigilant citizens and players were more athletic than her, and managed to run to the judge’s home at 1.15 in the night to get a stay order.
Having a beer. And I read this news. 76mn in the world suffer from alchohol related disorders. Reminds me of a line I read sometime back. When I read the ill-effects of drinking, I stopped. Reading.

A prostitute is also someone's mother.

2007-03-15T02:51:00.001-07:00

Everytime i would see images of those women, dressed flashily, garish make up, and with a pure in hand and magalsutra around the neck....i would feel like yukkk....who would be ready to fuck them..i used to think....i measn how can one feel hot seeing such dirty ugly women....

i was wrong....

i was nasty..

i was disgusting my my thinking....

this wednesday nite, as i finished with my workshop at madh island, at the resort, i was in a mad rush to go back home..since i dint hav network on my cell, i thot i will call up from some coin box...

i stopped...n dialled the first number...i jus got a strange strong perfume aroma...n i saw this woman standing next to me...maybe waiting for the pco box....
i asked her politely..n she said yes she needs to call....since i was going to be pretty long on the call, i thot it wise to let her call first.

dint heat anything. but its now that i realised that the [place where i was standing was a seedy looking hotel, bustling with activity, of girls n guys, walking in and out..of those small rooms lined up on either side.

my curiosity got the better of me.

as i called up my wife, i saw men coming n talking to those women....kitna legi re....ek shot ka kitna...total 300 rupiya plus room ka 100 rupiya....kinda things i overheard....

meanwhile the flow was on...arre even some hot n rich looking couples i saw driving in with luxury cars...skodas n the hyundai accents...all heading for that ultimate pleasure experiuence in one of those secluded rooms/cottages. n mind u, no hint of being guilty, no hint of doing something wrong....well who am i to judge...after all, today its a free economy n a free world...any 2 consenting adults can indulge into anything......

i crept a bit closer to hear what they were talking...this shabby looking rickshawala and this middle aged woman....

the conversation, interspersed with gaalis, swear words....

arre 300 rupiya toh bahut hai re...tu toh abhi buddhi(old) hai.....
ur not as tight as a young woman..so why r u asking for so much money.....

the negotiations contd...

thats when the woman, sad n poor looking, and no make up in the world could hide her feelings that wat she is doing is out of plain majboori.....

she asnswered the call.....and guess wat...it was her son/daughter....

haan, beta, main jaldi hi ghar pe pahunch jaoongi....thoda kaam hai abhi baki....beta guddi ka khayal rakhna....darwaja bandh rakhna...aur haan, tun khana kha lena...

she disconnected..and left for one of the rooms, in that dark corner.....with that rickshaw wala...

he must be really hungry for sex right now....

meanwhile...she...must have spread her legs, taken the man inside...and while the action is on....

she must be thinking about her little kid...who also needs to be fed khana tommorow....

Finance Minister- and sweeping changes

2007-03-01T06:55:00.000-08:00

The first thing u think of, when we say sweeper, is a man, armed with a broom, mite be looking old, hassled, ragged clothes...etc etc. But look at this picture, dated 1st march, 2007, published in Hindustan Times. Yes, it's jus outside the Fincance Minister's Office, and who you see in brand new sneakers( Nike??) a crisp tight fit jeans and a bracelet on his hand...is a sweeper.

Liberalisation has reached! Atleast outside the FM's office. Only time will tell, when it will reach those farmers in vidharbha...maybe as they say philosophicaly...after seven births. Hey farmers, plz commit suicide 7 times....

ENGLISH IJJ A PHUNNY LANGUAGE

2007-02-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

The Samjauta express, train that runs between India and Pakistan came under a terrorist attack. And 64 ppl died. Sad, really sad. But as they say, even in the grimmest of moments, sometimes there's always a reason to smile. Look at these protesters in Pakistan. Ooooops...wat they said is We condemn the BUM( not bomb) Blast. Now, that aSS funny as you can get!

The Lost Butterfly....( no one knows wat happened)

2007-02-21T01:55:00.000-08:00

was speeding at 80 miles an hour on the highway....dust n grime hitting me every second. as i overtook trucks n bikes n cars, and rushing towards my office, all i had in mind was the watch, the seconds ticking away. as it is, i love speed and i love going at 100 plys kms per hour. justhen i felt something on my shirt button...some movement i felt. i dint bother n was busy looking at the next vehicle to overtake. the red signal brought be back to the place where i must belong- the ground. again, i felt that something moving on my shirt, n for a second, i w2as like surprised. it ws a lovely small butterfly clinging to my shirt button. arre such a an mamzing piece of gods art, n natures design, that i started at it for a few seconds. the red was going to turn green in about 100 seconds now. i jus shook my shirt button to get rid of it, and instead of flying away, it jus went n plopped itself on the road below. dint bother for a moment, as it perched itself on the road n was jus shaking its wings a lil bit. i started my bike now, n was jus about to move ahead a lil....and thats wen something took over me...a flurry of questions...how can i let the butterfly die under the wheels of some vehicle...that poor helpless create was trying to fly but maybe too exhasted or jus injured. without wasting a second, i got off the bike, picked up that lil thing, n then went to a small nearby plant, n perched it on a leaf.
once again, i felt the joy, wen a small creature fluttrerd its wings on that leaf. my engine roared, n i was gone in a jiffy.
i dont know wat must hav happend to that butterfly after i left. maybe it will fly again. maybe it will smile again, n go n smell the flowers. wat i do know, that it wont die under some truck tyre, or some unsuspecting biker. and wat i know for sure, that yes, god will be happy that one of his creations dint die in the man-made concrete jungle.

Why a million sperms....

2007-02-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

The process of life, its so beautiful. I mean, from a microscopic sperm, another life is born...and the next generation..and then the next generation.
But im not into explaining biology. last nite, as i was going home, i just heard the news that an ad film, which i wanted to do so badly, has been postponed by the client. Phew! There, again, i said to myself. Once again...the world is round, and im back to square one. Neways, i shall keep trying..again and again and again.
That's where i saw this entire process like those tiny million sperms, floating and rushing to meet the egg. rat race, life is, isnt it? and this rat race, all of us know, begin rite at the very conception stage. imagine a million of those living cells rushing towards their goal....and .....
....
....
....
....
....
Only ONE in a million, makes it. And a new life is born. Maybe my philosophy therefore stems from biology. I must keep on trying, and trying. and [praying and praying.
Thats the way life was born. And thats the way it's gotta go on.

Ashish