Wish i could have done the art-direction too!

The entire idea was to bring out the corollary of how, some words of wisdom and some moments are as precious as pearls. And what better way to show an oyster and then capture the same cd-cover opening- just like an oyster...the idea was good but i thin much left to be desired on the art diection front....

Indian Innovation....

Indian Innovation: Here's where your punctured tyre gets royal treatment. A-la royal dip in a bathtub. Shot taken near sakinaka.

You can cut me, but u cant kill me..and my spirit.

Human spirit is something that can never be fathomed, measured, or slotted. The best of the gems of the world have been born out of adversity, hardship, and no matter what came their way, no matter how many times they were uprooted, and how many times humiliated- theres something called hope and confidence that always helped them get bac on track, on their mission. Here, this hacked tree is evidence- and likewise, that green lil offshoot- its coming back to life...to lead the way and to be a leader again...

From archives- stellar school posters

Hittin the nail on its head....

This male model must be really cursing his fate...the mazdoor has pasted the vinyl in such a way that a big screw has gone rght thru the man's forehead....now thts wat u call hitting the nail right on the head...jesus christ! Shot taken at powai- 20.7.11

Red Alert

RED ALERT: Never ever go to the saloon rite nxt to KINGFISHER academy. Bcoz u wl invariably end up turning ur head too many times- sometimes as an involunatary muscle movement- and u end up with a bloody cut from the barber's razor....

Benefits of Bombay's potholes a) Many women deliver in the rickshaw/cab while still being rushed to the hospital. Saves hospitalisation and delivery charges. b) Breaks your back sometimes so badly, you simply can take a chutti c) If you are peacefully dreaming and thinking of ideas on ur car seat, some potholes, so big, they shake u wake u off ur slumber- reality chek. d) gives double income to puncturwalas, tyre walas, othopeadics, axle repairers,- n a lot more ppl.

DOB

It ws a spelling mistake...and an erratic blunder- wen a friend said DOB is death of birth.(instead of date of birth). But, sometimes truth happens by mistake, and the mistake is so so much reality. With millions of girl chikdren being killed, it certainly makes sensse to say DEATH OF (A) BIRTH.

What happens when garbage starts talking...

It was a cold rainy night, when the last truck came and picked up the garbage outside Sion station. What remained behind was- an empty carton of Bagpiper, a Dhara Oil tetrapack, a few random rotting vegetables, a discarded condom, a pile of wet newspapers, a solitary hai-pin, and a torn and tattered soft-toy that looked a bit like tweety.

Out of nowhere, the whiskey carton, breaking the silence of the night, started talking. Hey guys, where have you u come from….as far as I’m concerned, a i few hours back at one Garudkar’s house….they had good fun, and he drank so much he collapsed on the sofa only. Taking a cue, all other items of garbage, as if sprung to life…and that’s where this story’s title came from: A rotton article

The Dhara groundnut oil pack said…You know, my batchmates, who were born, packed, transferred and sold- all over India, they all claim to have a shelf life of 6 months atleast…but in this Gujju family, I only lasted for a month. Forget cholesterol, fats or anything, oil flows like water in their food..no wonder they have been listed in the WHO list also, as potentially high-risk communities- a study pertaining o food habits and health hazards in India.…zindagi bus do din ki uske yahan.

The condom, of course, stretched a bit, and as throbbed back to life ( pun intended). It said ‘ boss, apun ka kaam hai public ko bachana and masti dena…whatever little time I lived, I sure had fun…good fun…and plus I’m also doing my bit to control the menace of AIDS, Population explosion and…just my way to live a good meaningful life. Am happy this way..I had a good time… woah…lemme tell u guys ive been there, done that…

The hair-pin started crying…she said..i was just bought 2 days ago from JNPT…my god let me tell those guys, those officers are so bloddy corrupt, that nothing moves beyond the gates, unless and until bribes are paid. By the way, people, I’m from China…nowadays I don’t see any Indian hair pins. Am shocked that even the smallest of things are imported, and all I can think of is- how is the Indian small-scale sector and cottage industry going to survive this onslaught? A tomato tried to brush her aside- and the hair-pin blurted some swear word in Chinese, leaving the tomato really fuming red. Regaining her composure, she said- soy guys, but I can’t speak Marathi..only mandarin and English…O yes, how I came here? This girl just across the road got a new hair untangling shampoo, n next moment- as if she doesn’t need me…simply tossed me in the garbage…

Hearing all this, a rotten cabbage, removed a few layers from his face and then, said, gosh, I travelled all the way from Sangli to Bombay…but there are no cold chain facilities in India. Just imagine I was freshly born just 2 days back…and see me now! Even before I reached the vegetable market, I was stinking and rotting within.

And I’m not alone facing this curse. Wheat from Punjab, every year they suffer the same ignominy. Poor things, millions of them lie in the open, braving sun and rain, and finally rot to death. See see see, can you see that beggar scavenging the roadside hotel bin for food? I wish, we had good storage and transport facilities- nobody would ever go hungry in India that way.

The Newspaper, was the loudest. Naturally, because it was a tabloid and it loved to scream, shout and sensationalise everything- including bomb blasts and accidents. It said- Bhai-lok, did you even know why that dumper left so fast, and why it goes so fast on the road- even at the cost of crushing innocent lives now and then? It’s all a big scam perpetrated by these vehicle contractors and the BMC. More the rounds it makes, higher the scam money and inflated bills…and by the way, see open me and read my 3rd page. There’s a fresh scoop on how Anti-Corruption department’s Officer was caught red handed taking a bribe. And also, on page 16, a story on how a woman was murdered last night at Antop Hill just because her boyfriend suspected her having an affair with her husband…..huh…nobody was interested…except one broken specs, without one glass…it just hopped on and went to read that part of the story.

Meanwhile, a dog came, sniffed all around- picked up one soundless bread that was all green with fungus, and went off happily to feed its hungry puppies which were crying under some pipe…she was pretty happy…and was feeling happy that her kids wont go hungry- at least for tonite.

Next moment, a rumbling sound….and in a split second, everybody realized…that its time they will be picked up and dumped in the truck…..the whiskey box was the liveliest and somehow, he spotted what nobody else could- it was a small bundle wrapped in tissue paper…but still throbbing a bit…seems it was freshly thrown out of an auto rickshaw passing by…

The box went closer, took the help of the condom and the broken specs…..all the three of them went to that small pink looking thing…opened it and….they dint know what it was…they asked…who are you, what are you, where did you come from?

The small pink thing replied…I don’t know my name- all I know that I’m a foetus…a girl foetus.

HOW ONE FAT FROG SHOOK THE WORLD'S STOCK MARKET

The marketing manager was scratching his head. Getting wet in the rains, he was still wondering what he should do, to increase the sales of his mosquito coils thru innovative means. The competition was tough, and peneration into already existing segments was hard as good as chewing a steel burger. As he walked thru the puddles, and inching towards his office, his sights fell on a fat big frog- who, in one split second, swallowed 3 large dengue mosquitoes. Gulp...burrpppp...the frog exclaimed.The marketing manager was simply in awe of this frogs technique, skill, speed and effectiveness. He went upto the big fat frog and said- hey bugger, will u be open to a business proposal? Will you be ready to join hands on a big mission? Frog, didnt bother too much- as his lightening tongue slithered in and out and downed 5 more flies. MMMmmmmmm he said- so what's the deal, sirjee? Wah plan and what proposal. Please elaborate. No hidden clauses and all- i hope- and no false promises of a princess kissing me and marrying me and shit. The maager said- Oh no- all in black n white- on paper- a legal MOU. Are you by any chance missing 2 letters in that word- is it mouse' that u said- or....Nooooo quipped the manager , MOU means Memorandum of understanding. Ahhhh said the fat one. Ok, tell me the deal.

Here's he offer: Buy one mosquito coil, get one pet frog free. That's the revolutionary offer i want to announce in the market. Going by Goodnites, All-out, and Tortoise coils, i have to be different. Radically different. And to make this offer happen, i will need millions of you, frogs, to go to buyers homes...customers will lap up this offer, and plus they will have all round security from mosquitoes and other flying pests....since you guys would be taking over. The fat frog thought about it for a minute and said- but what's in it for me?? Manager explained- see normally nobody allows you inside the house, right? Here. im making you an integral part of my brand, and you frogs will piggyback on, and inside. Once they get used to this double deal, its a completely new market, an we reach an impregnable position. Competition also wont be able to replicate this offer, as you frogs would come under one umbrella and one mou- unless, of course they import frogs from china- which in any case not possible, coz from china, even if they import frongs, they would all be leg-less. Legs are the bigest delicacy- u know, in in China. The fat one, bent over, in an attempt to look at his own legs, but he couldnt. His belly wouldnt give him that view.

The fat frog said; Gime some time to internalise this proposal, brainstorm with my team, give them a download of ur proposal; I'l get back to you in a days time. Manager said- and as fa as you are concerned- as the CEO of frogs, you will be assigned only duty at some royal places- maybe Vijay mallayas bunglow, or at Antilla- Ambani's. Mmmmmm...said the fat frog, and splashed back in water.

On the table, now the talks proceeded and finally, after almost 3 hours of croaking, both the parties signed the deal.The manager fixed up a day and date, when he would announce this offer, and how he is going to release full page ads in TOI and HT and MId-Day, and started working out the budgets. The frog meanwhile, took help of a retired logistics manager and worked out the end-to-end chain- and also finalised which frogs will be assigned which area. For instance, the Gujju frogs were to go in gujarati areas and the marathi croacking frogs would go to areas like dadar. The south indian frogs were assigned the areas of sion and matunga, where there is prime concentration of south indians. The methodism was- every time a customer buys a coil, a frog will jump and sit on the pack- of course, frog will have a branded jacket and all.

The entire market was taken by storm, the world press, Harvard, Wharton, Time, google- the marketing managers unique idea was all over the place. He became an overnight sensation,across the business world, and now, jetting across the world, with obscene offers and partnership poposals in his poket. He left the company be run by his juniors and as it is, the entire system was all in place, so no worries no cares.

Meanwhile, at the other end, frogs had been acccepted as pets all over, and became quite friendly in homes where they were stationed.The fat frog also became a millionaire, and now, he never used to catch flies or mosquitoes- he simple ordered tinned cans and fried pest delicacy from where else- China. He became arrogant, and vain, and started bossing over. At his end, he tied up with some language institutes to train frogs in foreign languages as, the company was looking into overseas expansion also. Urgent passports, UID cards, etc were arranged for those who were selected for an overseas posting. Back home, the fat frog started dictating terms to our marketing manager- started asking for hard cash, overtime, 2 holidays per week, etc. Some idiculous proposals. The manager, dint have any option but to agree to this- since this was his most precious USP.

It was evening time and a swarm of mosquitoes decended on Mr. Bhatnagar's house- incidentally he was the CEO of Totoise coils, and yet, even he was using the frog brand coils at home- as it really worked. And he was in all awe of this idea very much, regretting why he dint think of it. As he just relaxed in his couch, the power lines snapped, and there was complete darkness. He got up, lit a candle, and then, searched for frog-brand coils. But there was none. Ahh- tonight mosquitoes are going to have a good time doing blood taste sampling- he mumbled and went off to sleep. Sometime around mid-night he woke up, only to see that though there were no coils, the frog on duty was simply too good and was gulping down mosquitoes like a Toyota Fortuner drinks petrol. He had a eureka moment- and out he was in his driveway, as he summoned all his main brand managers for a midnight urgent meeting. Pajama meeting. What he said, and what insight he shared left everybody stunned.

Within 24hours, frog brand coil had an internal revolt, half the frogs didn't report for duty, some of them simply slept on duty- and shirking their main job completely. It was like a majority defection- just like how the Shiv Vada Pav stalls recently defected- 150 of them- to Nitesh Rane's vad pav union. It was simply a masterstroke from tortoise coil's CEO. Overnight shares of frog brand collapsed, the logistics chain got disrupted, sales dipped, Nasdaq, Nikkei, LSE - everywhere, the rings were on fire. Before the Frog brand guy could be reached at his private Hawaain resort, the entire company collapsed. By the time, he returned, all the frogs, all the coils, and the entire business went into the dumps.

What had incidentally happened was- the tortoise brand CEO realised one thing- that candlelit night- that even without the coils, the frogs were just enough to carry on the duty 100 percent. So, all he did was he simply bought over the loyalties of the fat frog, made him stake holder and partner in a new vertical, and overnight, set up a new brand- a stand alone brand- frogzz- the ultimate killer. It was a win-win situation for frogs as well as the tortoise coil brand. As both earmarked territories for themselves- exclusive marketing and distribution rights and pockets that each will own.

No new major activation or advertising was needed- it was a smooth transition all the way, and both brands went in for co-opetition approach rather than competition.

All the expansion plans went through, and it became the top brand of the world within no time. Meanwhile, even today, you will spot that marketing manager standing near the same puddle ( coz potholes in Bombay are forever) and waiting and wishing for another miracle and another insight. From that small puddle of water- all he does is go to the nearest watering hole, and drinks to glory. 24 hours.

Moral of the story: Depends who you are- where you are- and what your business plans are.

HOW MERMAIDS WERE BORN........

How MER-MAIDS were born....

( a mad wild bedtime story i told yesterday)

Once there was a khaddoos lady- always angry always qurelling and always iritated. No house held would stay more than 7 days, as she was simply unbearable. It was evening time and the poo lil maid was washing the bartans. Aall of a sudden, this woman enters the kitchen, and picks up a steel plate- tries catch her own reflection in that- but she wasnt satisfied with what she saw. She picked up a belaan, a big spoon, and hit it hard on the maids head. Saali, u bloddy maid- jaa marr. Maid felt too insulted, and she rran out of the house, and since this lady stayed at napeansea road, the sea was right outside. the maid went upto the edge, and jumped. bus, usko toh marna tha. She prayed for one las time and jumped into the sea....few seconds elapsed...she started drowning, and blacking out...for god knows, what hapnned but a lovely white glow surounded her, she saw a white warm light ray pointed strait to her...it was an angel- a water angel. Angel smiled and said- no, its not time to die. You hav a lot to do, love, and achive. You have been very truthful all ur life, u have worked hard, and u will certainly get the reward..saying this, she waved a magic wand over the maids head. And in a split second, the body of the maid became glowing, she looked even more beautiful than ever, and wats more, she got beautiful shiny flippers, her body below the waist turned into a fish, and .....she looked at her own reflection and smilingly, unbelievingly, said- yes, now im a memaid.

why is gandhi looking so black???

ek gandhi tha. was frail, old, used to wear loin clothes, round specs, and carrying a walking stick. poor things, was shot dead by a fanatic, but still, was the baap of all. was called bapu- fondly. one day, he thot, lemme go and buy a home for myself. so out he goes n meets a builder. gandhi had covered his face- coz he had become too shy, after coming out of the grave. he waasnt that outspoken, flirtish, not carrying 2 escorts with him, and as it is, kastur was dead- longime back. he walks into nirahandani's office. says he wants a small one room flat. builder says- wats that. not heard of it since ages. we only build homes for the super rich. if ur a bachelor and thats why u want a small flat, then u better get married, and procreate, and create the need for a big house. we dont blive in small- think big. gandhi said- hw much will it cost. builder says- 4 crores. gandhi, the old guy collapses- coz all he has is a few 2 paisas, 4 paisas, and 25 paisas- all these denominations have been wiped off by the RBI.CBI- is another story tho. Peon splashes some water on gandhi's face...he recovers..and said...ok im ok with 4 crores...but i will give u in chilllar..chalega...nirahandani slaps gandhi. saala chutiya samjha hai kya...tera chillar count karneke ke liye 5 aadmi lagega, uska salary kaun dega, dus din ka. note nahi hai toh go to pakistan printing press- get our own genuine notes from there- they r better quality than RBI and as it is, unofficially we have outsourced currency printing to pakistan. gandhi said ok- lemme see. Bhai, will u accept a cheque payment. the builder fumes frets and slaps gandhi once again. he said- saale, pehle chillar ka bolta hain, uske baad ur telling me chek, huh, kuch sharam varam hai ki nahi. gandhi says- mere paas sirf dharam hai. Abe hema malini ki aulad, dharam gaya bhaad main, show me the money. Gandhi says- then go to that tamilnadu temple where they have discovered more than 1,00,000 crores worth a treasure. hahahaha nirahandani says- thas peanuts for me.i only love hard cash. nothing else. gandhi says- ek minute. main abhi lekar aata hoon. ek suitcase mere paas hain, jo parliament main cash-for-questions scam main full tv pe tha. saying this, he opens a suitcase..builder says...50 percent white, 50 percent black. now, that was a clincher. gandhi said- ek minute. he went out of the office- first he went to a flour mill, rubbed his face in flour....ek sie white ho gaya- and then he went to the mechanic next door- rubbed his left cheek n face with grease. and then went back to nirahandani. summary- gandhi got the flat- half whie half black. 50 percent contributin from ISI pakistan for that ISO mark flat...and ISI marked tiles n windows and doors and all. The black part- however is a mystery till now. Last i heard, gandhi, afte buying the flat, is resting at some swiss bank. with a completely dark complexion. kaala gandhi.

An ant's death( ant ka aant)

was walking down the pathway that leads to the society main gate, and all of a sudden a heard a scream- a death cry, as if someone was in terible pain. Looked all around but couldnt figure out from where that eerie cry emanated from. Just then, there was a flash of light, and i rubbed my eyes, only to realise that i had got super-magnifying eyes- everything around me magnified a million times over- and there- that time- i just saw a train of ants, picking up some 17 dead bodies of ants- that were bleeding and were crushed. Under my boots. Mother ant was the one who was abusing me and said- cant u guys see- every single day u kill thousands of us- while ur walking down this road. Before i could understand further, i saw a beuaitful buttefly baby that had just come out of her pupa and was about to fly- a snail was passing by, and actually it was a 100 meters dash that those snails were participating in. A small green worm was sitting on a lead aside, and ywaning away to glory- a bit irritated at the commotion. While the dead bodies of the ants were pomptly shifted, another army of ants was passing by- ek do ek do,...huffing panting, and they were in parade style- all walking on the left.n carying grains, chapatis, and tons of goodies theey had jus collected.All of a sudden, a red ant gang intersected the file and ran away with some bits. the ants, as if i was a daily routine, made no fuss, and resumed their journey.next moment there was some thunder and a big crashing sound- oh god, a twig, dry, and with a few leaves had fallen down.Phew, saved- said the ants, as it had just missed them by an inch. The buterfly baby fluttered around, making joyous flapping sounds, and god knows why, came close to me, and perched itself next to me. Hi, she said- naya hai kya yahan par- new to this place, buddy? I dint know wether to say yes or no..Coz it was both. How would it know anyways who i am- all it must seen me as is- a giant hand, a mountain that he would take efforts to fly over, or a simple a moving object passing by trundling by and crushing a million lives every single day,while im wwalking towads 'livelihood'.Butterfly continued and said- isnt it a beautiful world all around, so much peace, beauty, no infighting, so much colour and life. I kept mum. Perhaps, i needed eyes to see, understand, experience, and empathise- that theres sure another world- all around me- that needs not eyes but a heart to understand. I took one step ahead- and again- a screeching cry. Hey bugger- this small beetle said- you were just about to kill me. Get lost, go back to ur own world and size. There's no place for you. Blip. Atleast now, i look down- as much and wherever possible- try to avoid a few innocent deaths, a few death cries,and broken wings.

a short wild story

ek kutta tha. kurla main rehta tha. ek din, voh kamani( its an area in bombay) chala gaya. jaisa kamani pauncha, toh samne hi dharmji mil gaye. bole, kutte bhag yahan se, nahin toh main tera khoon pi jaoonga. kutta bhaga, kamina peeche bhaga. ruk, saale ruk, main tera khoon pe jaoonga. hearing all this commotion, a gang of mosquitoes woke up from their gutter palace. the leader of mosquitoes said- damn, yeh apna competition main kaun aa gaya- i thot only politicians are our competition. yeh bolkar machchar bahar nikla. said- dog is after all a dog- a creature. and vaise bhi if i bite him, kuch farak nahi padega. the machchar flew as fast as he could, and launched an attack on dharamendra, who was running behind the kutta. machchar bola, ab tu ruk, main tera khuun peeonga- poora ek litre.barter deal main, i will give u malaria. in a min, it swooped down, bit dharmendra. in a split second, a swarm of mosquitoes descended, and dharmendra was left clapping and shouting for help...basanti, meri basani...a chakka residing nearby heard dharams screams- she came rushing- her name was basanti..she dint recognise dharam bu all she thot was- chal ek gang member kam tha, isko utha lo...yeh bhi mere jaisa chakka hi hai, aur clap bhi solid hain....they whisked him away from the attacking mosquitoes...and what they removed from him was more than just his clothes- but thats another story. a team, of bmc officials and the national malaria research council were in that area and searching for mosquitoes who r causing malaria in bombay- they had spent 34 days, mulled over 3100 cases, spent a whopping 3.5 lakhs on hotel bills, tavel, etc n yet they hadnt found a single mosquioto( chek times s of india- its a real repot). just then, they saw this main mosquito and started running behind it....but just before they caught hold of him- ooooops a team from uttaranchal forensics sciences swooped down, caught the mosquito- and vanished in a split second. guess why? coz n d tiwari is suspected of having a love child( do u even hav a hate child??) and the alleged love child has asked for a paternity test to be done...n d tiwari is disobeying even a supreme court order- refusing to give his blood sample. thats why.....mmmmmmm the forensics team is smart. they are planning to train this smarty, i mean the mosquito to go n bite n d tiwari, once by ounce everyday and then they will collect all the blood samples from him. obviously, they will crush the mosquito also. and tiwari also. ulimately both, are blood suckers.